Thursday, July 1, 2010

What If Our Arms Were Firearms?

First of all, I'm talking about these kinds of firearms.
Not these ones.
Now, to the matter at hand.

Last night I had a revelation; coffee may have a similar effect on my body that various hallucinogens may have. (Which by the way, I have nothing to base this revelation on other than what television and movies have taught me about illicit drugs.)

Anyway, I started to think about the negative effect that firearms would have on our society if they took the place of our upper appendages. Those effects were severe. I'd prefer to not bring up the film Planet Terror, but how can I not? Not to mention they just replaced one leg!
Imagine that movie with a chick without hands! More like Planet Terrorible!
I've compiled a list of reasons why literal firearms would yield negative results on our society.

1. As noted by my first image, hand shakes would become not only more awkward but dangerous as well. Nobody enjoys handshakes anyway, unless, of course, you're a politician or have some sort of hand fetish. Either you are a hugger or you prefer people to stay out of your personal space. Besides, who knows when those hands were last washed?

2. Opening doors would become infinitely more difficult (if you're a patient person) and infinitely more expensive (if you're an impatient person). I bet you never imagined you'd appreciate being able to open a door without having to blow it open with your semi-automatic or having to learn how to maneuver your toes in an awkward way to twist the knob. Seriously, that would be the bane of my existence.

3. I think that people's personalities would change for the worse. I think we'd see a massive spike in the number of people with paranoid schizophrenia and we'd also see a drop in the number of people with normal, healthy relationships. I think that the sane people would not be willing to risk the lives of loved ones and everyone else would be so socially frustrated that they'd head out on killing rampages.

All of this to say that I think it would be in the best interest of man kind not to experiment or even tolerate the idea of firearms.

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