Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Why I Hate Cats

When you think about cats you think either:


or (more accurately)

B. Those are the foulest creatures that have ever walked the face of this planet. They are lazy, pointless, no good creatures. I wish they would all contract some sort of cat infecting disease and all die off. And hey PETA people, if you're reading this, even you know it's true.

If you are in category "A" please stop reading this blog. It's not for you. You would much rather read this.

In this blog we are going to review cats.

It looks innocent enough, but let's delve a little bit deeper into its anatomy.
This is still that same cat.
It has ears that are seemingly for hearing.
It has eyes that are seemingly for seeing.
It has a nose, and you guessed it, for smelling.
It has paws for doing adorable things like pawing at yarn and a tail for things like waving in the air for no reason.
It also has fur that seems nice enough to pet.
This is that same cat... but without the cute factor.
Only when we get rid of the "cuteness" of cats can we see them for the monstrous creatures that they really are.
Those ears, they are for listening to your thoughts. They hear what you think. They know your weaknesses. They know everything about you. They will kill you in your sleep.
Those eyes are there for staring into your soul. They steal a little bit of your soul away one glance at a time.
That fur, yeah, it's not really fur. It's dinosaur spikes. Why is that bad? I have no idea. I just know it makes the cat look more evil.
Oh, let's not forget those sweet little paws.... or shall I call them dagger sheaths. Those little paws harbor deathly weapons often used for clawing out eye balls and carving canyons in skin.
Obviously this is the same cat.
Now, please notice that this cute little kitten is in fact not so sweet and not so much a kitten, but rather dangerous and pretty much Satan incarnate.
As we look a little bit deeper at the anatomy of a cat we can notice that it is fostering the a great darkness (AKA: The smoke monster from Lost).
It also has some jagged teeth used for destroying nations. The claw sheaths are proof of the destruction of nations by said cat.
Also, please note the unibrow. Granted, most cats don't have unibrows, but I'm trying to make this feline look more morose.
Did you see that tail? How about those scales? Yeah, cats are pretty much disgusting and out to get you... and your children... and your mother... and your little dog too.
Same cat? You bet your life on it!
Finally let's examine those little spots on his fur...
These are known as "allergens" and yes, they are a cat's secret weapon to your murder.
If nothing else about the cat kills you, these ill tempered little guys will gladly make their way into your respiratory system.
Allergens are the worst of your problems when it comes to cats. They are ugly, they are cunning, they are well trained to take out a fleet of soldiers.
They will make you cry. They will take your breath away. They will make you itch. They will make you wish you were never born.

So to sum it all up. Let's all take some time to reevaluate the way we think about cats. Remember, all cats are evil and all cats deserve to be put out in the street and shot. Stop harboring them in your homes. Stop allowing them to sleep in your bed. Stop thinking about how cute they are. Cats are killers and if you support them then you are an accomplice. Decide today. Would you like to stand up for life or would you like to assist in the death of billions of people around the universe?

I know what side I'm on and I'm pretty sure I'm at the top of Sir Feline's hit list.


Anonymous said...

MEOW! cats catch mice, which is nice... and if that doesn't vibe, then tune into that purr that can cure at 20-50 hertz of healing the soul goodness! i like cool cats...

cute pictures by the way!

Anonymous said...

I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.