Elisha Guido Writes

My Little Pony on the Move

2011-08-20T14:25:00.003-06:00

I read a very funny article today concerning a woman dressed in black who has been hanging My Little Pony toys around Quebec City. I LOLLED and then thought that it was the most clever thing I'd ever heard of. Let's just say if this starts happening around the valley you can totally blame me.

Nothing spreads joy like seeing My Little Pony hang from the telephone line in front of your office window. I imagine my soul would be filled with glittery feelings every time I looked out at such a sight.

All You Can Eat Buffets

2011-08-13T21:14:00.003-06:00

I say, "Asian Buffet" and you think, "impulsive decision filled with regret once you take a nice long trip to 'go powder your nose.'"

Let's make a hierarchy of dining buffets and rate them according to how often you should never eat there.

Asian Buffet: "Bucket-o-nasty"

Asian buffets all have the same smell. You walk in the door and you're greeted by that musky, gross smell, but kind of get over it because you're overwhelmed by all the oriental decor... and the fish pond located near the hostess table.

Every Asian buffet is exactly the same.

Fact: There is a massive box of whole sale cabbage rotting in the back of every kitchen.

Fact: The chef chopping the beef for your favorite broccoli and beef concoction is smoking a cigarette and has not tapped off the half inch of ash dangling off the end of the butt.

Official Rating: Somewhere between eating heat lamp sushi and pouring orange chicken into your pockets for later.

American Buffet: "Take all twelve of your kids here after church"

Think Golden Corral. Think Hometown Buffet. This is the classic American experience. Hit up all the stations. Grab your salad. Pile on the chocolate pudding. Don't forget to get three too many buttery rolls. Get stuck in line waiting for more pepperoni pizza. Kids are running around and parents don't care. This is their time to relax. I loved places like this growing up... until I saw a kid literally lick the soft serve ice cream nossel clean... then I wanted to die... and go home.

Official Rating: One star... out of about 514 stars. It's only acceptable to go here if you have twelve kids, want to relax and don't care about the cleanliness or quality of food.

Italian Buffet: "I don't exist because I'm better than China... and America"

I've never heard of an Italian all you can eat buffet. If I had, I like to imagine I'd be greeted by an attractive gentleman who has an incredibly enticing accent. Also, he is a mama's boy. Also he knows how to cook. Also, he lives in the Italian countryside. The food at this place is so delicious they literally have to wheel you out of the restaurant in a wheel barrow. You've had your fair share of red wine and homemade ravioli and you're being carried out by the man of your dreams. (If you're a guy, you can just replace my "attractive gentleman" with a nice Italian girl who is strong enough to carry you out to your car.... but she probably has a unibrow... sorry.)

Official Rating: Too good to be true... so it's not.

Conversations With My Mom

2011-08-07T22:32:00.003-06:00

I love chatting with my mom online. We have fun conversations and she is pretty much one of the funniest people I know. Here's what we talk about. Sometimes a fish just has to die.

Oh my heart.

2011-08-02T22:00:00.004-06:00

Very rarely will I give you insight to what I write for myself. Tonight you get a glimpse.

"I wholeheartedly believe God has given me the gift of faith. I believe in BIG things for his glory. By FAITH I know God will bring GREAT things to me for his glory. By FAITH I trust that he will do MARVELOUS works through my life for his glory. But I am still human. I know doubt. I am all too familiar with fear. I understand insecurity. But I KNOW the power of God. So when I read that his power made the earth, that his wisdom established the world, that his understanding stretched out the heavens, that the utterance of his voice creates a tumult of waters in the heavens, that he makes mists rise from the ends of the earth, that he makes lighting for the rain and that he brings forth the wind from his storehouses, I am reminded of how great my God is (Jer. 10:12-14). His power is greater than my fears. His power is greater than my doubts. His power is greater than my insecurities. His power is what conquers death, so his power is enough for me and that's the only thing I need to know. That's what I put my faith in. I put my faith in his power. Not what I gain from him, not what he has to offer me, not what potential he has for me, not what I have to offer him, but I put my faith in his power which holds victory over death."

"Oh heart of mine,

Cry out to God today.

Be strong in his hope.

Find joy in his glory.

Draw near to him.

For he is good.

For he is holy.

For he is love.

For he is enough.

Oh soul of mine,

Seek out your father this night.

Find truth in his word.

Draw near to him.

For he is good.

For he is holy.

For he is love.

For he is enough.

Because he has called you

and you are his forever."

Passing Out and Blood Types.

2011-07-29T11:45:00.003-06:00

In high school I loved my biology and anatomy classes pretty much more than any student should love a class. Does that mean I actually studied hard and did all the homework the night before? No. But I loved the classes because we got to dissect things. I remember in my biology class the group I was put into for the fetal pig dissection was a of the queasier persuasion. I dissected that pig all by myself, and I was happy about that.

Dissecting things isn't an issue for me. Passing out is.

You know how grocery stores have little blood pressure machines? Well, occasionally my family would take turns learning our blood pressures at Walmart. (Also, I remember the pharmacy was near the aquarium section. I don't like that.) Anyway, if there is one thing that makes me uncomfortable to the point of losing consciousness it's getting my blood pressure taken. To me, the feeling of getting my blood pressure taken is the equivalent of having a very strong, angry, harry and agressive mythical being try to strangle me through my arm... and it works. I would say 98% of the time, if I am not lying down, I will pass out when my blood pressure is taken.

Which brings me to the point of this post. Earlier this year I was persuaded to give blood in return for frozen yogurt and a free meal... and also saving a couple lives. I pretty much only agreed for the free yogurt. Going into it I knew that the odds were against me. I knew I was going to pass out, but by golly I was going to give it my best.

I was taken to a back room to have my iron tested. The finger prick, sure, I was nervous, but I was going to be okay. Then it happened... and it was not bad. In fact, my iron levels were more than exceptional. That was the height of my experience. It all went downhill from there. My pulse was being taken when the kind woman informed me that my blood pressure would be next. I looked over at the haunting machine that would soon be clutching my arm with all it's might. I thought, "that thing is LITERALLY going to kill me!" Then I hit the ground, shaking violently.

Needless to say I didn't give blood that day. I did get frozen yogurt though... and a migrane.
I did not get a card that identified my blood type.

I did want to know my blood type though, so I went online and bought a testing kit from amazon for like ten bucks! Big win.
I took the test on Wednesday, and had my finger pricked while I was lying on the floor (just for safe measure).

The results? I'm awesome. I have B+ blood which pretty much means nothing.

Blow Stuff Up

2011-07-24T21:17:00.002-06:00

Some things are just more patriot than other things. On the forth of July I blew up fruit. It was fun, loud and messy. But mostly just fun.

A Book That Everyone Should Read

2011-07-17T19:20:00.003-06:00

Previous to today, if you had ever asked me what my favorite book was, I would have answered, without hesitation, "The Glass Castle by Jeanne Wells." It's a memoir and it's one of the most beautifully written books I've ever read. I remember reading through the first chapter at Barnes and Noble in El Paso. I think it was literally the first book that I had picked up and loved from the first page. It may have been the first book I had completely read outside of the binding required readings of the school system. I laughed, I cried, I even approached a complete stranger who was reading it to discuss how much I loved it. I also finished reading that book with a sense of hurting. There was no redemption in the story. It just ended. I was torn because I loved the characters and I had grown close to them as I read about their lives, but when it was all said and done, that was their story. It all just kind of ended.

I knew about Keith Green prior to reading this book. I knew he was a big deal in the Christian Music Industry a while back, but that's about all I knew. Oh, I also knew that I did not like his music. It just wasn't my style. No thank you to piano rock. Then I read an amazing book.

Ask me today what the best book is that I have ever read and I will tell you, without hesitation, "No Compromise: The Life Story of Keith Green, written by his wife, Melody Green." I listened to Keith Green's music as I read much of the book and the music became something different. As I read about his life, read the lyrics written on the pages, read the emotions behind it all, the music wasn't just a style I didn't like. His music became a ministry. His music became more than just words and a piano. His music had meaning like I hadn't experienced before. As I read I laughed, I cried, I was challenged, I was encouraged, but mostly I finished feeling reassured in what I've been learning a great deal of lately; Jesus is faithful.

I told someone today that if I had 6.5 billion copies of this book I'd put it into the hands of every person on this planet. Seriously, I think every person, Christian or not, should take some time to read the story of Keith Green because the story of Keith Green really isn't the story of Keith Green at all. The story of Keith Green is all about Jesus. It's about his power, his timing, his providence, his love, his grace, his faithfulness.

I can really say nothing more right now. I think I want time to process it. Mostly, I think that I don't have time to process it. I think I just need to go out and live like Keith lived: passionate, genuine, intense, madly in love with Jesus and with no compromise.

Hipster Birthday

2011-07-14T14:27:00.003-06:00

So, my dear friend Abby Carlson has a birthday coming up. So to celebrate Carrie Rowe came up with the brilliant idea of throwing a hipster themed party. If you know anything about Abby you know that she is pretty much as hipster as it comes. In fact, she was wearing suspenders when I arrived at her house to give her the invitation.

Anyway, super simple invitations to make. All you need it good handwriting, old glasses, paper and string.

Meet the Guido's

2011-07-09T17:05:00.003-06:00

If you've never met a Guido then you are seriously missing out... and no, I'm not talking about the Jersey Shore type.

This is a little family that I live with... and by "little family that I live with", I really mean, "my really wonderfully sweet family that I happen to live with!"

I love them all!

Things that are more fun than someone giving you ten bucks

2011-07-01T08:35:00.005-06:00

Here are some things that I think are fun.

For more fun things visit my post called "For those that prefer pictures", "Things that are fun!", or "Too much reading makes Jack a dull boy."

Aside from knowing Jesus, this is probably the most important things to ever know. Hugs make the world go round. Literally...ish.

And now for some Wes Anderson references.

Which movie was better? Life Aquatic or Royal Tenenbaums? I'll won't tell you which one is better. You've got four minutes and forty eight seconds or we're all dead... burnt to a crisp.

Dogs are definitely not my favorite... but raise a dog up in the way it should go... and we've got another story.

Such a good looking monocle.

I organize most things according to color. I've been called names on account of it. Smarties are no exception. You are the only exception.

This is what I dreamt last night.

And an Arrested Development reference for good measure.

It's in the Little Things

2011-06-28T18:51:00.002-06:00

This blog isn't deep. It's not profound. It's also not very long (I type that in faith).

There are little things in life that I don't seem to come by that often, but when I do it brings joy to the depths of my heart.

You're walking down the sidewalk, it's a little breezy, the trees around you are colored like a fall setting of a Thomas Kinkade painting (minus the whimsical, fairytale likeness of every piece of his work). Anyway, you're walking down the street when a fresh, crispy leaf blows your way.
Two things you can do:
ignore it and continue
OR
go out of your way to step on it, feeling the crunch beneath your feet.

The latter will bring unending joy to your day. Well, it will bring joy to your day, but that joy will end when you step off of it or try to crush it anymore than you already have.

That's one of those little things.

Another little thing is driving through puddles.
I love driving through puddles.
Few things delight my heart as much as the idea of splashing a pedestrian with a big wave of dirty street water.

Here's the only problem: Puddles usually occur when there is a recess in the pavement where water gathers.
What's the problem? I love driving through puddles which pretty much means that I love driving through potholes which pretty much means I have a broken axel.

It's in the little things.

Fantastic Muffins!

2011-06-25T21:51:00.004-06:00

I baked fantastic muffins yesterday. I bake because I like to. These had pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, flax seed meal, dates, apricots, rolled oats, raisins, and other stuff. Also, I enjoyed two of them.

Here's the Deal

2011-06-21T22:48:00.002-06:00

The best thing you could ever decide is to follow Jesus.

Here's the deal. Even if Jesus didn't humble himself to die for us, still the best thing you could ever do is live for him.

Because he is God. Because he is almighty. Because he is great. Because he is worthy of your praise. Because he is.

But, here's the deal. He did humble himself. He did sacrifice himself for us.

So still, the best thing you could ever decide is to follow him.

Because he is God. Because he is almighty. Because he is great. Because he is worthy of your praise. Because he is.

You just get the unfathomable gift of spending eternity with him.

So, the best thing you could ever decide is to follow Jesus.

Because he works all things for the good of those who are called according to his purpose.

And guess what, you have a purpose. Your purpose is to glorify Him.

So follow him... whole heartedly, unashamedly, passionately, fervently, steadfastly and faithfully for all the days of your life.

It will be the best thing you ever decide to do.

The Truth About Fritos and Corn Nuts

2011-06-15T20:38:00.003-06:00

Here's something that's nothing new to anyone on the face of the planet:

Fritos and Corn Nuts smell like steamy dumpsters.

So, in light of this not so new news, I am going to break it all down for you.

The truth about both of them? They'll make your breath smell so bad that every time you open your mouth an angel will lose it's wings.

Frito's: They will taste good in your chili and that's about all they have going for them.

Corn Nuts: They will taste good never.

Corn Nuts are the child that was totally neglected by it's parents due to it's inability to ever smell healthy and it's publicly humiliating bad looks. This is the kind of snack that you NEVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE consume in public nor if you ever plan to go in public again. This is the kind of snack that if you are going to eat it, you better have already given up completely on life. You better have nothing else to go for in the world... in which case, enjoy your couch, your reality television and your bag of corn nuts and cheese wiz. Corn nuts are bad breath in a bag. If you could package up morning breath and sell it to people, you would be the person who came up with corn nuts. Also, did I mention that corn nuts shoes are so lame I wouldn't be surprised if they were Berkinstocks with high socks... actually, they look like keds.

I'm going to break down the anatomy of a Frito chip. This chip is like the cool older brother of the Corn Nut. It basically is the same thing; it smells, it tastes like something that came as a result of taking all the chips that fall on the floor in the Lays factory mixing them with old and moldy corn and putting it in a bag. The only thing Frito's have that Corn Nuts don't have is cool sneakers... oh, and Frito's don't smell as bad as Corn Nuts. But on a scale of one to paper cuts with salt poured on top, I give Frito's the score of just as bad as paper cuts with salt.

Hummingbird Cake

2011-06-10T12:07:00.003-06:00

First of all, Hummingbird cake is not a cake made out of birds. It's not a cake made by birds. It's not a cake that has any form of birds associated with it in any way, shape or form.

I don't even know why it's called "Hummingbird Cake." All I know is that I made it this month.

Basically it a cake made of pineapple, pecans and bananas. Oh... it also has a cream cheese frosting that was sent down from the lips of angels.... seriously.

I got the recipe from Southern Living Magazine. Apparently this is the most requested recipe in their history... so that's a plus.

Also, I think it would be best if you refrigerate this. I like cold pineapple desserts.

Things I Love Part 2

2011-06-10T10:06:00.000-06:00

Here is a follow up!

On Beyonce.

2011-06-09T22:27:00.003-06:00

So tonight I was listening to Beyonce's album, I Am Sasha Fierce. It's easy for me to like stuff like that. You know, the kind of stuff that weirdly has some sort of rhythm and passion that I just can't resist. You, know the kind of stuff that makes you want to say, "Yo, Imma let you finish, but... Beyonce is totally the most talented female vocalist on the face of the planet and you shouldn't even have the pleasure of her gracing her face out in public cuz she's like the queen of heavenly voices that has descended from the heavens above to you scum-like earth dwellers just so that you might have an idea of what pure, undefiled joy sounds like in your ears." You know, that kind of stuff.

BUT THEN....

I started listening to her new album, 4.

Here are my thoughts.

BAFT...

and when I say, "BAFT" it's because I was so busy throwing up that I couldn't even manage the right of mind to spell "BARF" correctly.

I am pretty speechless... and not in a good way.
HOWEVER

I will give it another listen. Maybe it will grow on me.

Things I love

2011-06-09T19:04:00.001-06:00

Old People of the Day

I don't hear any clicking.

Dubstepping Dogs

2011-06-01T16:06:00.001-06:00

I don't know how I hadn't seen this video until today.

Seriously.

For those who prefer pictures.

2011-05-30T14:38:00.004-06:00

Because all the wonderful people like pictures...

This makes me feel uncomfortable.

This is funny.

I am always thinking it is time to dance.

Because it's funny.

CAT ATTACK!

More star wars.

And because beards should never have animals growing.

I hope you enjoyed today's edition.

On Prayer

2011-05-28T10:12:00.003-06:00

I will try to keep this one short... you know, because I don't have any pictures.

I would say that I've been learning a lot about prayer lately, but I don't necessarily see that as true. What I can say is that I have been learning a lot through prayer lately. When I pray, I do my best to pray fervently. I do my best to pray huge prayers. I do my best to pray for things that I cannot make happen on my own. I pray this way because then, when I am praying, I am glorifying God. I'm saying, "Lord, I lay before you these huge issues. I'm petitioning for these mighty requests to come to pass because I know there is absolutely nothing I can do about it and I know that you have the power to make audacious prayers come to fruition." So that's the starting point.

Lately I've been taking time to pray that God would not take from me the trials that I'm going through. For most of my life when I came upon trials, when I came upon struggles, when I came upon hard times (which, by the grace of God, have not been comparable to the hard times that others have faced) I've had a tendency to say, "Lord, take this from me. Remove these feelings of anger, of fear, or guilty, of whatever so that I might not have to endure the pain that comes with them." Strictly a selfish prayer. Recently those prayers have changed significantly. Where is growth if God just takes away the problems we endure? How are we challenged if he just takes from us the things which will strengthen us? Lately my prayers have been more along the lines of me saying, "Father, give me strength to endure this time. Keep my eyes set on the hope that is you. Remind me that through this is growth and through growth is a better understanding of you." Instead of praying for the easy way out, I've been praying that I would be challenged so that I might grow. I've been praying that I would not see answers to these prayers until I have learned everything that I can in this time of waiting. So that's good.

To be more specific. Lately the answers I've been seeking to my prayers have been very "yes" or "no" answers. And you better believe that I haven't been getting a firm yes or no. I've been getting what I call the in-between answer. There's an answer. It could be a yes, it could be a no, but I just don't know what it is yet. It hasn't been revealed to me... and I hate that.

I get frustrated often in these situations because I feel helpless; I feel stuck. It's so much easier to have a "yes" that says, "go for it" or a "no" that says, "it's not happening." This "in-between/unrevealed" answer doesn't work like that. So, lately my prayer has been that God would teach me the purpose of this place. My prayer has been that I would come to understand why I don't have a "yes" or "no." When you pray prayers like that God is going to put you in situations that will make you understand. Pray for patience; you'll be put in situations that try your patience. Pray for humility and you will be put in situations in which you are humbled. Pray for understanding when it comes to prayers that don't have a definite yes or no yet?You'll be put in situations that haven't revealed the definite yes or no answer. That's where I am.

It seems kind of crazy that Christians would ask to be put in situations that are hard, in situations that are difficult, in situations that are stretching. As humans, I feel like we want to get through life and make it as easy as possible. Not me. I don't want an easy life. I want a life in which I understand Jesus better today than I did yesterday, and that's not going to happen by living an easy life. It's going to require that I am stretched. It is going to require that I am challenged. It is going to require that I go through tough things so that I might better understand the character of God.

So, I sit here in this weird in-between phase knowing that God does have answers. Knowing that he does have my best in mind. Knowing that my hope is in Him and he knows what he's doing. I don't have a yes or no answer to everything, but it's because of faith that I know there is an answer.

"But certainly God has heard me;

He has attended to the voice of my prayer.

Blessed be God,

Who has not turned away my prayer,

Nor his mercy from me!"

-Psalm 66:19-20

Snowflake and Cream'd Corn

2011-05-23T19:21:00.003-06:00

I have weird dreams. They are vivid and strange and I often die in them. This evening I woke up from a nap laughing. I then immediately called my mom to share my story. Now I'll share it with you.

In my dream I woke up in a trailer/RV bed muttering, "mommy, mommy..." My mom was there and very concerned. She asked, "Elisha, Elisha, what's wrong?" That's when I started to tell her about my dream: I was living in a homeless colony traveling the desert roads. One night, our group was approached by a large man. I didn't see it happen, but I knew he had killed one of my fellow travelers. Anyway, the large man comes up to me and says real sternly in a deep southern accent, "Yo buddy, Snowflake, stole money from me and I won't sleep 'til I get it back! 'Er else you'll be dinna for both me and Creeaam'd Corrrnnn..." That's when Cream'd Corn, the mans yellow lab started licking my ear.

Anyway, I tell my mom, in my dream, all about this and it turns out that my dog, Buddy, was the cause of the ear licking. Then he fell off of the bed and I felt bad.

THEN I actually woke up and called my mom because it was so funny.

Here is my analysis:

I am reading Jack Kerouac's "On the Road" and that must be why I'm traveling the desert roads.

I recently read that Sammy Sosa's skin color is becoming more and more pale and that's why the man in my dream look identical to this:

This could also have influenced the name of my friend, Snowflake, who was murdered.

I recently talked to my mom about Buddy, my family's chocolate lab.

I recently wrote a blog on Vegetarians that had a picture of a dog on a plate... which my mind must have turned against me... The blog was about carnivores, not cannibals!

There are more parts to the story, like stuff that included placebo truth potions, interviews with my brother, bosses getting mad, Chicago, and children refusing to help me when I fall over... and I think something about a department store. But I just wanted to share the little nugget that made me laugh.

So to sum it up, I was Jack Kerouac, who had a friend murdered by Sammy Sosa. And his yellow labrador, Cream'd Corn was inspired by vegetarianism, but would eventually eat me.

National Vegetarian Week

2011-05-23T17:20:00.000-06:00

There's a week for everything these days. There's National Playground Safety Week, National Fire Prevention Week, and a whole slew of weeks that I can't seem to get behind, like National Geography Awareness Week. Heck, some occasions even get whole months! Did you know that March isn't just National Eye Donors Month, but it's also National Nutrition Month? Go through April and May when we celebrate National Car Care and National Mental Health Months and before you know it you'll be in June, the month that we set aside as a nation to celebrate candy. Yes, June is National Candy Month; praise the Lord.

All this to say, I get that we celebrate practically every single thing possible because it's just more fun to have an occasion to get together and eat... UNLESS we are gathering for a whole week to celebrate National Vegetarian Week. I'm definitely not against it, but I'm also not necessarily for it either. Not only is there a Vegetarian Week, but there is also a Vegetarian Awareness Month in October.

Here's my question. Who cares?

Actually, I know people care. The real question is when do carnivores get some time to appreciate the animal flesh that they, *ahem* we get to eat? I mean, I feel like having a week and a month specifically for vegetarianism is totally backfiring because it's during that week that I mostly realize how appreciative I am of eating some of my favorite creatures. Think about it, little baby cows, little baby pigs, little baby ducklings, little baby chicks, little baby lambs, and the list goes on. Most of them aren't baby creatures, but you know... cute factor. I've got to throw in the cute factor.

MAYBE if I had a month to appreciate meat I wouldn't find myself appreciating it more during a week specifically set aside for the complete opposite purpose. Actually, that's not true. I'd still think about it.

That's all.

Happy National Vegetarian Week. It's Monday and I haven't eaten any animals. Maybe I'll be a vegetarian this week. Maybe I won't. I probably won't.

*also, the dog at the top of this post is so ugly that I wouldn't mind if someone ate it. Not me though, it creeps me out. It would be like if I ate a very hairy, small, old woman. But like I said, I wouldn't mind if someone ate it.

3D Movies

2011-05-21T09:10:00.004-06:00

I don't like them. It's nothing personal, but I just don't like them. Nope... that was a lie. I think it is personal. Yes, that's it. It's just a personal problem I have with them. Maybe I'm not a part of the early majority. Maybe I just don't catch the vision (that was a pun, and yes, I think it was very funny). I'm just saying that I'm not a fan. It's great that they are out there doing their thing, but I'd rather not be a part of it. I like my movies in two dimensions, thank you very much.

So, to all you 3D movies out there,
I get it, you're the new kid on the block that just happens to be smart, funny, athletic and attractive. Everyone loves you and you are so incredibly awesome. You're great with children and you blow old peoples minds. People pay good money just to come and look at you. You just became captain of the football team and you were just named both prom king and queen because you might as well be married to yourself. The thing is... I will stick around with good old faithful 2D movies because they don't make me stick my hand in the air, looking like a fool, when rocks are flying toward my face. But mark my words, once they find a way to actually put me in the scene, I'm dumping 2D and boarding the one way train to virtual realities.

With all the love in the world,
Elisha

PS. I don't send you all the love in the world. I don't send you any of it, actually.

Things I Text My Mom

2011-05-18T22:54:00.002-06:00

Today I wanted to tweet something.... or facebook it... or whatever, but my daily quota was met... so I text my mom instead.

"I love that my car doesn't have air conditioning. Every time I get in it's like getting hugged by a big sweaty man. And he doesn't let go. He just keeps hugging."

She said, "You will remember these times as fond memories."

Also, my driver side window doesn't roll down. Big lose.

Hip Hop Is an Attitude

2011-05-18T10:06:00.001-06:00

Finding new music for the radio sometimes ends up finding videos like this.

HIP HOP 4 EVA

Little Things I'm learning.

2011-05-16T21:02:00.002-06:00

I never really used the voice memo app on my phone until recently. I definitely don't use it to it's full potential, but it may be one of my favorite applications. Here's why:

As I go throughout my day I find the Lord teaching me new things ALL THE TIME and I can't seem to keep up. This is where Voice Memos come in.

I have so many memos of me telling myself to look things up, meditate on things more in depth, and just search out God more...

Here are things that have been in my memos recently.

#1. Jesus intercedes for us!
I was listening to a song by Bradley Hathaway that I recently put on the radio. "The World is Screaming" Heads up... great song.
These lyrics inspired me to read Romans 8.

"But his father was good, his father had a plan
So he raised him back to life and now he is sitting at his right hand
He listens to us, he hears our pleas, he joins with us, on our knees."

Yes and amen. I have been comforted IMMENSELY by Romans 8 lately.

The Holy Spirit intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words?! I AM UNWORTHY!
God did not spare his own son, but gave him up for us! HOW WILL HE NOT ALSO WITH HIM GRACIOUSLY GIVE US ALL THINGS!? I AM UNWORTHY!

Bottom line... I don't need to worry. I have more than enough help. Not by my strength but that of Christ who abides in me.

#2. God speaks and not just to authority.
I was thinking about how if there were a leader of a nation, or an organization or some majorly influential corporation who was God fearing and completely and utterly God seeking, would the Lord not speak clearly to that leader? I mean, this is a person who can change things, who can change situations and influence nations! Wouldn't God want to speak as clearly as possible giving as perfect direction as needed?

Then it hit me. The key is God fearing. Fear God. Seek God. It doesn't matter if you're the president or if you're a high school student. God does speak. You have to listen. He wants you to listen. No matter who you are, no matter who I am, we can be and will be world changers when we start to realize that it's the power of God and not the power of our own work.

#3. My Responsibilities as a Leader.
For the last who knows how long I've been a leader in our student ministries. I suck as a leader. Like seriously. For the longest time I was the person that showed up. I served however I could. I did things. Students don't need me to show up. They don't just need me to do things. Students need me labor in prayer for them. Students need me to be praying for them... and not just on Monday nights. They need me to be asking tougher questions than just the one's on the sheet.

Prayer. That's the point. I feel like God convicted me recently in that I hadn't been praying for my students on my own time. When I learn to really pray for them, for their daily decisions, for their spiritual walks, then I will really learn how to serve them better as a leader because I will be more invested in their lives than Monday nights from 6 to 8.

I think that's it for now, but I leave saying God is so good all the time.

Oranges > Bananas

2011-05-14T12:26:00.002-06:00

For a long time I have always had one fruit to look to on an empty stomach, one fruit to cure the pain, one fruit to bring joy and fulfillment. That one heaven sent fruit was the banana.

Today everything changed.

Well, I suppose it's been a process. I've been cheating on the banana with the orange for some time now and though I don't regret it, I do feel bad that I didn't recognize the situation earlier. It was only today that I professed to both myself and others that there was no longer room for two fruits in my heart.

As I drove home from the store, eating my cold and sweet orange, I realized that though this fruit is messy and though it is hard for me to know when it's ripe, it's the only fruit out there that I could imagine calling my "comfort fruit." I was thinking, "Dang, I didn't even see this coming. I LOVE oranges. I love them MORE than bananas!" That's when I had to shift gears and I dropped my orange on the floor. It was a sad. I was sad. Then I threw it out the window.

Maybe I just enjoy the freshness of oranges. Maybe I just like that they don't taste like sugar sticks. Maybe I've just grown up. After all, I feel like only two year olds say that bananas are their ultimate fave.

Today I Bake: Carrot Cake Cinnamon Rolls

2011-05-13T14:29:00.007-06:00

It's on my list this year to bake something fun once a month. This month is brought to you by Healthy Food for Living.

Imagine nice things. Now imagine eating those nice things.

Today I baked some carrot cake cinnamon rolls, and yes, I do think they turned out well! What I love about this recipe is that is only takes two tablespoons of butter and not much sugar at all (other than the filling). Seriously, legitimate. Seriously, your heart will melt in your body.

Ingredients

Dry Dough

Sugary Filling

Add milk and dry yeast. Now let it rise.

Toss on the sugar, walnuts and raisins

And bake, bake, bake.

Then they look like this.

Things that are fun!

2011-05-11T20:16:00.000-06:00

It's time for me to show you things I like! Let us begin.

Bear Sleeping Bag: Who wouldn't want one?!

R2D2: Star Wars fans are so creative and I just want to know why.
And of course Ikea's instructions for putting together a lightsaber.

Big win:

Creep Alert in the corner!
Yes and please to the Corgis!

and for good measure: check out asian grandma:

The Solution to the Worst thing in the World!

2011-05-10T17:00:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I talked about how having too much of a good thing is actually a bad thing. In my case, it was having two fantastic albums at the same time. There is not enough time or enough Elisha for both of them. How do I pick just one?

Here is the solution:

If you are following this blog in Reader then click here.

All you have to do is find something better!
or
Find something that will quickly force you to make a choice.

Diet Soda and Things I Disapprove of (Part 2)!

2011-05-10T09:58:00.004-06:00

So, as you may remember, a while back as I drove to work I saw this guy stopped behind me consume a diet coke. I thought it was gross.

The saga continues.

This morning as I drove to the church, as I often do, I was watching the person behind me through my rear view mirror. This time I was watching some woman in a bug yellow car. There were a lot of issues with that car, but I enjoyed its personality. Anyway, I would have just let my eyes wander about the beautiful day around me, until I noticed she was unscrewing the cap to some bottle. Seriously!? What is with people drinking soda before 9am!? You might as well eat spaghetti for dinner and take showers before you go running! It's just a bad idea! I waited to see what her beverage of choice was when I saw something move in her back seat. At first I didn't think it was anything. Then I noticed it was a cat. There was a cat hanging out on the back dash... just chilling.... like it presumably always does. I didn't think it was a big deal until I realized... THAT'S NOT NORMAL!

Things I disapprove of:
1. Women who drive around town with a cat in the backseat while drinking soda before 9am.
2. When my leg falls asleep and I fall over thinking I can walk on it. (Nope... I take it back... I love that.)
3. When I pour a bowl of cereal then realize I don't have any milk. It's like toothpaste, it's not going back in the package.

The Worst Thing in the World

2011-05-09T20:28:00.004-06:00

If there is one thing I hate, it is what I am about to write about.

My brain, my emotions, my body CANNOT handle too much good music at once! I HATE when I get a FANTASTIC album, listen to it for a day, fall in love with it, then get another equally FANTASTIC album! How can I put this in terms you would understand?

I feel like I started this amazing relationship with Beach House this weekend. The dreamy pop sent me into whimsical sleeping states and had me coming back for more... and more... and more... and more. Beach House is a true love... love that I can't get enough of.

THEN

Out of nowhere comes Lykke Li. Where have I been!? Living under a rock!? I've left my weekend fling, Beach House, for something newer... for something not necessarily better, just something different.

My heart and soul are so conflicted. Whom do I love more? Whom do I spend more time with? Whom shall receive the bulk of my affections? Not even I know.

All that I know is that Lykke Li will keep me company tonight as I lose sleep over this issue.

There is nothing worse than being in love with two albums and not knowing which to pick...
Oh young love.... you slay me.

Oh, to lose sleep over things that love me not.
Oh, my love is unrequited.

Also, these albums are great:
Beach House: Teen Dream
Lykke Li: Wounded Rhymes

Types of Anonymous Commentators

2011-05-08T18:51:00.004-06:00

Over the last few years of my very popular blog I have received many a comments. There are funny comments, there are boring comments, there are serious comments and there are spam comments. Here's a little known fact about me: I dislike anonymous comments. Who are you? Why aren't you sharing your identity? Here are the types of people that I imagine are commenting on my blog:

Anonymous #1: The Creep:

"lol, this blog was so funny. It reminds me of that one time I was watching you walk down the street and you tripped on that rock... You looked so adorbz tho and I couldn't help but smile really big. You didn't see me tho cuz I was hiding in the bushes. Next time you should write a blog about how funny you are and make sure to include your address and your favorite song so I can sneak up to your window in an al gore mask and serenade you!"

I hope there are no creeps reading this blog because they would feel severely humiliated and embarrassed. Creeps be creeping, quit your sneaking! Don't be the creep.

Anonymous #2: The Technologically Handicap:

"Hello! I really enjoyed your journal entry! I barely managed to figure out how to comment, so don't expect me to figure out how to write my name in the box to identify myself. If you want to contact me you need to write another blog so I can comment on that one too."

Hey technologically handicap guy/girl, this blog is for you. I want you to tell me who you are even if you do end each comment with a cheesy emoticon.

<3 Elisha ;D

Anonymous #3: The Secret Admirer:

"Elisha, you are so funny and smart and wonderful! When you write it's like a window to your soul and I am so blessed to be able to see the deepest parts of your heart! One day I hope we can be together forever.... If it's Gods will... And I pray it is every night ;)"

Hey Secret Admirer, you walk a fine line. You are just one page view close to being categorized as "The Creep." Don't walk that line. Don't walk that line.

Anonymous #4: My Father:

"Witty comment. Witty comment. Witty comment."

Dad, I know you're reading this. Identify yourself or I will just assume every anonymous witty comment is yours!

Anonymous #5: The "I Mean No Harm But Just Don't Want to Tell You Who I Am" Commentator:

"Fun post. I liked it. Blah, blah, blah..."

Just tell me who you are or don't say anything at all. Also, you will NEVER win any contest I will never do on this blog.

Anonymous #6: The Hater:

"Your blog sucks and I hate everything about it. You're not funny and you shouldn't ever write anything because it's all boring and not interesting at all."

Hey, thanks for reading my blog and not being genuine enough to tell me who you are when you bash me. You are mean and you don't want anyone to know. I guess all that really matters is that you know you're mean. So there! Also, I don't get comments like this because I'm so funny. Nobody ever questions my humor.

So, comment away and tell me who you are! I want to be your friend. I want to give you a high five.

I Made a List

2011-05-06T14:11:00.002-06:00

I turned 22. I know, blah, blah, blah.

I'm the kind of person that makes lists. I make them. I break them. I love them. Without lists I wouldn't do anything. So naturally, when I turned 22 I decided to make a list of things to accomplish this year.

My list is small and somewhat incomplete, but feel free to look at it all you want.

1. Know Jesus better: Always a priority.... always. Hopefully by the end of this year I can say I know Jesus better than I did last year.

2. Take a college course: I want to take something for fun. I have no idea what it will be. Philosophy? Photography? It will not be biology. It will not be calculus. I just want to take a class I want to take.

3. Memorize a chapter of the Bible: I have no idea what chapter it will be, but I want it to actually be a challenge. Someone suggested Psalm 119. I genuinely don't think I could get that down in a year. Suggestions? I am so open to suggestions.

4. Read a book each month: Maybe you were around when I took up the challenge to read a book a week for six weeks. Well, I haven't read many books since then, so I'm going to get back into the groove of reading. It's a simple challenge, but I look forward to it. Suggestions on books? I am open to suggestions.

5. Go to Texas: This is so done. I have the date picked. I just need the ticket. Nothing fills my heart with more joy than being able to visit Texas for the wedding of my sweet, sweet friend Alexa. I am so, so excited for her!

6. Photograph more strangers: This is pretty self-explanatory. I'm not the type of person that just approaches strangers. I am not that bold. Well, I am if I'm in a different city. I am if I'm never going to see them again. What's wrong with me? I need to take more pictures of strangers.

7. Cook or bake something creative once a month: I've recently taken a liking to the more delicious things in life... like cooking... and baking. I want to put this into action. I want to make carrot cake. I want to make pastries. I want to cook things I've never cooked before. I am SO excited to try new things in the kitchen!

8. Run a 10k: Here's the deal, 5k's are easy. I don't think I've ever run more than six miles at a time... and if I did I was in high school. So, it's on the list. I have until next April to figure it out.

So let me know what you think and give me advice on suggestions for fun classes or books!

Reasons Why I Don't Have A Pet Dinosaur:

2011-05-05T23:19:00.004-06:00

Don't let that cute little face fool you. Dinosaurs are not adorable and they do not use serving utensils!

Some people think that having a pet dinosaur would be the bees knees. Some people think they could just do whatever they want if they had a pet dinosaur. Some people think that they would be powerful and all high and mighty. Some people think that a pet dinosaur would solve all their problems. Some people are ignorant. All of those people are ignorant.

There is only one scenario in which wishing to have a pet dinosaur is acceptable and that one scenario is if you are a two year old who doesn't have parents to smack some sense into you.

Here are some reasons why pet dinosaurs are not a good idea.

1. Your dinosaur will be your only friend because your dinosaur will eat any other friends you may have once had. Fact: Dinosaurs have serious jealousy issues.

2. Your dinosaur will be your only source of entertainment because your dinosaur will step on your computer that you just took a loan out for, your dinosaur will eat the flat screen television that you just bought with your tax return, and your dinosaur will use those court side tickets you just got to that really awesome game as it's pooping grounds... and believe me, you don't want to venture through dinosaur matter.... bad idea... but I shouldn't need to tell you that. Fact: Dinosaurs hate when you are entertained by anything other than the size of their banana brains.

3. Your dinosaur will not fit in your house unless you are super rich and have super high ceilings... and since you're reading this post, chances are you are not rich enough to own a house large enough to accommodate the needs of a growing dinosaur. Fact: Dinosaurs grow large and if you want a dinosaur that isn't large than you don't really want a dinosaur. You just want a reptile. Just go to the zoo.

With all that said... don't get a dinosaur as a pet.

UNLESS.... you plan on using it to give me a ride to work everyday. I always wanted to ride a dinosaur to work... I also would require that you give me a crossbow when I travel... oh and a sombrero.

ALSO... there are forums online where people talk about what they would name their hypothetical dinosaur or pet rock.

I would name mine Lawrence because all things that are not humans should have very human names. Just ask my pet rock Charles.

Two Two

2011-04-29T23:35:00.002-06:00

It turns out that I just turned 22. I don't know how I feel about that. I've been telling people for months that I'm 22, so it's not really a new feeling.

So instead of talking about how different 22 has been, I think I just want to sum up some stuff.

19. I hated 19. I felt lonely and was totally bummed.

20. Fan-freaking-tastic! If I could sum up being 2o, I would say that I felt more of a sense of calling and contentment than ever before.

21. Continuing in that calling and sense of contentment... add a whole lot of wisdom. Like so much more wisdom than I've ever experienced in my life. In addition to feeling like I grown in wisdom, I definitely have spent a lot of time on my knees recognizing the smallness of me and the HUGENESS of HIM. When I put into perspective how great He is, I realize not only how small I am, but how small my biggest issues are. Nothing is too big for Jesus. Praise the Lord.

By no means am I wise. I am like a skull filled with jelly beans. That's about how wise I am, but that's wiser than I was last year. I think last year I was a skull filled with Necco candies... not good. But seriously, in the last year I feel like I've been able to apply so much of what God has taught me. If I could explain it, I would, but like I said, I'm not all that wise... but I am wiser than I was last year.

22. I look forward to whatever 22 has in store for me. Each year it's so exciting to look back and see how much I've grown. When I'm 23 I hope that I can look back on 22 and say, "dang, you grew so much that year."

And since I'm 22, let's move on into Psalm 22.

I must admit, Psalm 20 was a great psalm. Definitely a happy and uplifting one... you know, with verses like "May he grant your hearts desires and fulfill your plans (20:4)"

21 was awesome as well, "Be exalted, Oh Lord, in your strength! We will sing and praise your power. (21:13)"

So naturally as I move on two Psalm 22 and read, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? (22:1)" I don't exactly feel encouraged. HOWEVER, I KNOW that God is good and I KNOW that God is SOVEREIGN and I KNOW that there is nothing that will come my way that I cannot handle without Him. The Psalm, though it seems so sad and filled with hardship all I read in it is hope. Christ is hope. He is strength. He is power. So whether 22 is a breeze or whether is it filled with it's challenges, I know my God is my strength. I know my God is my salvation*, my redemption, my hope. Nothing is too hard for Him. Nothing is too great. So I can say,

"When your people meet,

you will fill my heart

with your praises, Lord,

and everyone will see me

keep my promises to you. (22:25)"

That's it guys. Love to you.

*My God is my salvation: Elisha- My name - it was kind of an accident. From the stories I've heard, my parents wanted to give me a biblical name, opened up the good word of God and threw their fingers down on Elisha. I don't think I could have asked for a better name. From what I've read, the meaning behind the name is "My God is my salvation." How could any other name possibly sum up the entire purpose of my life. My name, my being, my existence... it is about God, my salvation.

I HEART SMOOTHIE (MILKSHAKE?)

2011-04-29T21:15:00.002-06:00

Imagine heaven throwing a party in your mouth. Now... you don't just have to imagine it... you can make it happen!

Tonight I treated myself to a delicious treat. What did it include? I will tell you!

Fresh strawberries... and don't cut off the stems.... and who cares about pesticides! They only make you stronger...

One banana!

I grabbed some naked juice. Pomegranate Blueberry!

and the best part....

The Greek God's Honey Pomegranate Ice Cream!!!!

Just toss is together and give it a little spin in the blender. Yum. Yum. Yum.

This Message Has Been Approved

2011-04-26T23:37:00.004-06:00

Actually, I don't know that I approve, but I do know that it's like looking at a car accident or someone who rides a really tall bicycle... you just can't look away.

from Vimeo.

Also, for your viewing pleasure:

I made playdough dinosaurs for a talent show in 5th grade and lost to a kid who bribed the crowd with candy.

This little dude is HOT.

Because sometimes you just need to wake up and smell the cacti.

Amen and amen.

This I do not approve of.

Eye Candy

2011-04-26T00:03:00.004-06:00

I want you to take a minute and put the following three things in order of how often you think of them:

Awesomeness, Unicorns, Fun times.

Trick question! They are all the same! If you are thinking of one, you are thinking of all three!

BRAIN EXPLOSION!

Fun times = Awesomeness
Unicorns = Awesomeness
which means that Unicorns must also = Fun times.

With that said, I'm sure you have an idea of what this blog is going to be about. It's actually not about anything. In fact, if you want to read something interesting, then this is what you'll need to head over to. I'm just here to give you a little bit of eye candy to make your little pupils dilate with euphoria as you behold the universe's most magical creature.

Exhibit A: The awesomeness of a unicorn dissected. Maybe a little morose, but mostly just fantastic in EVERY SINGLE WAY POSSIBLE. Oh, and also one of the truest things I know.My favorite parts of the unicorn to cook with are the front legs and the rump... because, well, you never know what you're going to end up with, but you always know it will be the best thing that ever touched your lips... unless of course you consume the midsection of the unicorn. (see the diagram for explanation.)

Exhibit B: Three things more powerful than your mother: Unicorns, Robocop and America. Get them all together and you're about to have a new world order.

Also, I am astounded by the number of results that show up when you google Robocop unicorn.

Exhibit C: This is by far the weirdest thing I have ever seen. "THE FABLED UNICORN- NOW A LETHAL, RADIOACTIVE MUTANT! Because unicorns aren't mutated enough already. Low blow... low blow.

ALSO, what's up with Patchy McFabio? And yes, I would buy this comic book for you... but not really. I would buy it for me then sell it to you for a bazillion percent profit.

Exhibit D: This unicorn doesn't need wings to fly. Also, I like cloud castles. Note to self... marry a guy who will make me a sky castle and will fly me to my fortress by Pegasus. Also, find a Pegasus that has flowing long blond woman hair like the one pictured below.

Exhibit E: This is just your basic, "I'm more majestic than you" kind of unicorn picture. Feast your eyes on him and know, he is more majestic than you... and also has more attitude.

Looking at pictures of unicorns is like letting your heart hug your eyes.

Unusual Dying

2011-04-20T21:07:00.003-06:00

If you jump at the idea of egg dying then this blog is for you!

If you jump at the smell of hard boiled eggs, apple vinegar, thrift stores and dirty socks this blog is still for you!

Tonight I dyed some eggs in a not so normal way. If you are a follower of mine, you know about my previous experiences.

Post 1

Post A

Obviously the coffee eggs are the best.

This year I bought a silk shirt at a thrift store. I also bought a white sock at that thrift store. Then I dyed. I dyed so good.

Abby dyed the egg with the face, because she is so totally awesome. OBVIOUSLY some of the eggs look like garbage... but believe me, they smell worse than they look. Nothing wakes you up like getting the steamy steaminess of thrift store shirts wrapped in thrift store socks, soaking in vinegar water while hard boiling eggs.

And then I decided not to risk eating any of them. Mostly because they smell like eggs and thrift stores... oh and socks.

Nothing Says Home Like Refried Beans

2011-04-18T20:57:00.002-06:00

I'd be willing to wager that I am probably the only person in the state of Montana with this. They are dehydrated refried beans. Authentic and from Mexico... I think. They make great breakfast burritos.

I wanted to add chorizo to my egg burrito, until I read the contents of chorizo. Just think, cow salivary gland. So much yum your stomach won't even be able to handle it!

Anyway, it wasn't the authentic chorizo anyway. The real stuff has the ingredients in Spanish so you don't even know what you're eating. Now that's what I'm talking about.

Anyway, this is a thank you blog to my mom, who is the best.

Too much reading makes Jack a dull boy

2011-04-16T14:57:00.003-06:00

Lately I've spent some time writing. It's come to my attention that some people don't appreciate words as much as pictures. Plus, a picture is worth a thousand words, right? So here is a really long and wordy post for you. Also, feel free to check out my old post similar to this one.

That's all the fun I have you for today. Feel free to enjoy my blogs all the time. Thank you and come again.

You are like a hot bowl of soup on a sick day. You make me feel warm... and healthy.

Diet soda and things that I disapprove of!

2011-04-14T09:41:00.005-06:00

This morning, as I was driving to the church I saw this guy drinking a Diet Coke in his car. I thought, "Dang! That is so gross! It's not even 9am and this guy is already hitting the can!" Then I started thinking, "Why on earth would anyone drink this early?" That thought led me to the more appropriate question, "Why would anyone even drink Diet Coke?"

I concluded that his Diet Coke was from yesterday and had been sitting in the cup holder since last night. I figured he had forgotten to brush his teeth this morning so he decided to swish around a little bit of not so carbonated, warm soda around to drown out the flavor of morning breath.

Whatever his reasons were, I do not approve.

Here are other things I do not approve of:

1. Dance parties that I am not included in.

2. Dance parties that include music that is not suitable for dancing.

3. Anytime someone knocks Dr. Pepper. That's 23 flavors of heaven, but that's another blog for another day.

4. Consuming diet soda for any purpose other than a cruel joke.

Thanks for your time. You are like an angel!

Solve this mystery!

2011-04-12T21:29:00.005-06:00

So, you're at a party with a bunch of other friends. You're Miss Scarlet. You're young, wealthy and incredibly attractive. All the other characters would typically call you something like "a tall glass of milk" or "the cat's meow." I'd just call you Miss Scarlet, probably because you have this scar from that one time when you tried to take my parking spot and I showed you who was boss. I was boss.

Your friend Colonel Mustard just stepped out to smoke a cigar. Also, he likes yellow turtlenecks. He is not attractive, but you have an undying love for yellow turtlenecks... so, with that said, you have this uncontrollable desire to picture him in layer over layer of yellow turtlenecks. Also, he's kind of a bigger guy and you have this weird thing for bigger guys. So all you do the whole party long is stare into his big old eyes... I mean sweat stains. Mmmm... pheromones.

Mrs. White is not white. She's asian, and she hates her job. She's the house servant but deep down has the insatiable desire to cut a rug on the dance floor. She can be seen in Step Up 2 the Streets. She is that awesome. Most of the time you can find her dancing by herself in the kitchen. She also has a peg leg, so she is that much cooler now.

All of the sudden it comes to your attention that Mr. Green has been murdered. You have your assumptions, but you dare not say because you know what they say about when you assume.... it's just a bad idea, and you look like a total jerk. Then everyone just starts thinking that you're all high and mighty on your high horse. Your horse probably has a name like Whinsten or Maverick. If I had a horse I'd name him Edward. Everyone wants to have a horse named Edward.

ANYWAY, it couldn't have been Mrs. Peacock or Professor Plum because both of them were too busy being boring in the living room. Seriously, he is so absent minded and she just loves the attention. They stare at a candle stick the whole time.

Who did it?

I'll give you a hint. It was me. Nobody liked Mr. Green and he stole my parking spot.

Pumping Music

2011-04-10T22:59:00.002-06:00

Don't watch the video. Just press play and keep reading...

So, like, sometimes there are certain songs that make me want to dance more than Jamal and Latika from Slumdog Millionaire... (You know, when they all go crazy in the subway showing off their mad, foreign dancing skills at the end of the movie?)

Anyway, sometimes when I am driving, there is this song that comes on the radio that literally makes the little cells that compose my body break out their shiny, little, dancing shoes to hit the dance floor. And yes... I mean LITERALLY. My cells are dancing cells, and the party doesn't stop. And yes, my dancing cells have mad dancing skills. You'll have to catch them in action sometime... like always.

There is something about this song that makes me feel like I'm a whole new person. There is something about this song that makes me feel like I'm in Romania hanging out with all the coolest local celebs while kicking back at some club with crazy lights and all sorts of legal and non-demoralizing fun.

The first of this fun would include the "Guido fist pump."
My favorite part is that I actually find myself doing the "Guido fist pump" when I listen to this song.

Here's the deal... it's almost always unacceptable to do a guido fist pump, but seeing as how I am LITERALLY a Guido, I feel I have the right. ALSO, I feel I have the right to make rules as to when to use the fist pump.

Acceptable reasons include:

When you listen to this song.
When you are me.
When you need to mock anyone trying to pull off a Guido fist pump.

I hope you enjoy this song and not doing a fist pump.

I am wondering if you did a fist pump while listening to this song.

And yeah, I bought this song on itunes... so sue me... or think less of me. But don't really do either of those.

When You Grow Up

2011-04-10T19:57:00.004-06:00

You know how when you're younger you always want to grow up to be something awesome? I remember when I was younger all the cool kids wanted to grow up to be big important figures like astronauts, firefighters and state senators. Not me. I wasn't that kid. Well, on the outside I was. On the outside I told everyone that I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to help children. I wanted to make the hurting go away. That was the superficial me. That was the me that was just trying to crush my true inner selfs dreams.

On the inside I had bigger hopes. On the inside I had greater aspirations. On the inside I wanted to be something that no other child had ever dreamt of. On the inside I wanted more from my life than traveling to other worlds or ruling over generations. On the inside I wanted to be a tiger.

Yeah, you read that right. I aspired to be a tiger. A real, live, flesh eating, orange and black striped tiger.

Imagine the benefits of being such a large feline. Imagine the status, the power, the prowess. I would be so totally boss and you would be so totally not.

You know when your parents tell you that you can grow up to be whatever you want? Well, they are right... and wrong all at the same time. Yes, you can grow up to be a tiger... but no, you really can't unless you want to be a total creep.

Moral of the story, I will not be a tiger when I grow up. When I grow up I want to be something better. I want to grow up to be a tiger whisperer. I'll speak to the tigers in my sweet, soft, tiger soothing voice. I'll calm their restless souls. I'll command them with my authoritative aura. I will be the best. You will wish you had my mad skills.

So, to all you tigers out there... bring it on. I'm like one of you... but better.

To Acknowledge:

2011-04-03T14:58:00.002-06:00

Over the last few weeks the following thoughts have consumed so much of my mind and impacted so many of my actions.

To acknowledge something: What does that even mean? Is it just to recognize it? Is it just to see something? What does it even mean to acknowledge something?

DEFINITION TIME:

1. to recognize the rights, authority, or status of
2. to disclose knowledge of or agreement with
3. to express gratitude of
to take notice of
to make known the receipt of
4. to recognize as genuine or valid

So, now that we've covered how Merriam-Webster defines "acknowledge" I can get into the real reason why I'm writing.

One verse: Proverbs 3:6
In all your ways acknowledge Him,

and He shall direct your paths. -NKJV

It's that word, "acknowledge." That one word, so simple, just sitting there, has made so much of a difference in my life. It's a command. A call to action.

To me, that verse says the following:

In all your ways recognize the rights, authority, or status of Him.

In all your ways disclose knowledge of or agreement with Him.

In all your ways express gratitude of Him.

In all your ways take notice of Him.

In all your ways make known the receipt of Him.

In all your ways recognize as genuine or valid Him.

So when you think, I acknowledge Him in all my ways, make sure you are following through will all that comes along with acknowledging him. He has authority over your life, power over your situation. Agree with Him, because he knows what's best. Express your gratitude for Him. Take notice of Him in everything. Most powerfully, make known the receipt of Him! Finally, recognize his truth.

Then... He shall direct your paths. It's not, "He might direct your paths." It's not, "He'll consider your issues." It is that He shall direct your paths.

So acknowledge Him in all your ways.

I LOVE IT.

Every little worry of mine, every issue that I feel is huge, every problem I come across; it all just seems so small when I acknowledge Him. This verse has brought me immense amounts of peace this week and I genuinely, from the depths of my heart, hope it does the same for you.

Why I Am Mad at the Girl Scouts

2011-04-03T10:28:00.009-06:00

I was never a girl scout. I'm not sure why. Actually, that's not true. I do know why. I never wanted to be a girl scout.

However, I have always been a major supporter of their sweet little bites of heaven... until this year.

I haven't been visited by a girl scout in years. I don't know why, but for some reason they are always intentionally skipping my doorstop.
This year I took matters into my own hands. This year I drove two hours just to find some girl scouts selling cookies at a grocery store. Words could not describe my excitement. I bought four boxes. I had to stock up. I bought my favorites, Thin Mints, some Samoas and Shortbread cookies.

In my excitement I tweeted about it.

Then I found the cookies.

Then, because I am so awesome and cool, I gave 3/4 of my cookies away. Two boxes went to my brother and one box was a birthday gift for a friend. That left me with one measly little box of thin mints.

I immediately tracked down where they could be purchased in my city. You know, not the one that is over two hours away. I went to the website. It seemed like I could trust their words. After all, they are an organization founded on basic values like honor and trust.

I mean, their life skills include things like "goal setting" and "decision making." What I didn't realize was that "business ethics" wasn't a skill they were all that invested in. I figured out they would be selling cookies on a Saturday at the Safeway. Thank you cookie locator page! When I arrived there were no happy faces, no cookies... nothing! Just disrespect and false hope!

Then I went online and saw that they would again be selling cookies in that city two hours away. Road trip planned.

Today, as I look at the website, it has come to my attention that the Girl Scouts of America are out to get me. And by that I mean, "They are out to ruin my life." It appears they've cancelled their sales in Missoula.

I will not consume another girl scout cookie this year. I can tell you why too. This girl is hoarding them all for herself.

I am repulsed by her selfishness. So happy... so many cookies...

April Fools Day

2011-03-28T13:10:00.001-06:00

So today I realized something kind of cool. I realized that I get paid on April Fools Day. That led me to this post.

Here are some fun tricks to play on people for my favorite trickery inspired holiday.

Prank #1: April Fools Paycheck.
This year April 1st falls on a Friday.

This is probably my favorite prank. Instead of paying your employees with US currency, you should pay them in slaps to the face. One slap for every dollar they earned.

Better idea! You should pay all your employees with American currency, but you should double or even triple their normal pay. Then, when they see their paycheck they can go and buy something like a swimming pool. Then you totally take all that money away and say, "April Fools!" Then storm out of their house laughing.

Prank #2: It's Saturday!
When your alarm clock goes off, tell yourself that it's Saturday. Then sleep in and completely miss work. When your boss calls to tell you that you're fired yell back saying, "YOU WANT THE TRUTH? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" Then slam the phone down and pat yourself on the back because that was a great April Fools prank!

Also, if you want to make this prank a little variable, send a mass text out to all your friends wishing that they all have a fantastic Saturday. Depending on how many friends you have, you might get a few of them fired too! Then you can all go out and play croquet in the park.... or go ice fishing... whichever the weather permits.

(Apparently this April Fools is the year of getting people fired. I think last year was the year of people getting pregnant... not getting people pregnant... but people getting pregnant.)

Prank #3: Bad Movie Day!
Take some time to recommend the worst movies on the face of the planet to your best friends, but make sure to tell them, "Seriously, it starts out slow, but once you get about an hour into the film, you'll never regret it!" This prank is brilliant because you get to waste mass amounts of their time while giving them a false sense of hope and you make them watch the worst films ever created! Meanwhile, you should go watch anything with Bill Murray in it. Big win!

Oh, you don't know what the worst films on earth are? Here are a few for consideration:

Spiderman 3. Who didn't hate that movie? Nothing is worse than Tobey Maguire wearing eyeliner. (I actually loved it. You have to watch it more as an emo comedy... It starts out slow, but once you get about an hour into it, you'll never regret it!)

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen. Dang that movie was bad. Even Shia LaBeouf thought it was bad.

And since we're on the subject of good old Shia, I may as well throw in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Nicolas Cage. Ghost Rider. Enough said. Actually, not enough. Did you know they are making a sequel? Well, they are, and this is no joke. Oh, how I wish it were a joke.

Any stupid parody movie on any movie genre. Such movies include, Scary Movie, Epic Movie, and Date Movie. (All of these are the dumbest things the movie industry has ever produced. If your friends fall for this prank and enjoy it, you need new friends, because well, the jokes on you I guess.)

Prank #4: Starbucks Run.
Tell everyone that you're going out on a Starbucks run. Gather all their money and take their orders. When you get to Starbucks order the frilliest, sweetest, most fowl drinks possible... all of them venti... and decaf. Then when they give you all the drinks tell the barista that they made them all wrong. (Baristas at Starbucks LOVE when they have to remake drinks.) Wait for them to make all the new drinks then say that it's not a big deal and you'll just take all the frilly drinks. You just pulled a double prank! Two birds with one stone... two birds with one stone. You've pranked all your coworkers and your local Starbucks personel. LOVE IT!

Anyway, Happy Pranksgiving!

Get Happy Fast!

2011-03-11T17:07:00.005-07:00

I often find all sorts of people approaching me just to ask the simple question, "How do you stay so happy?" Well friends, I have decided to share with you my top five tricks to happiness. You too can be a little bubble of rainbows and confetti. In just five simple payments of nothing you can be that person who lights up a room with the flash of a smile or the wink of an eye. It's so easy you'll be kicking yourself at the end of the day just to try and bring your happiness down a notch.

So you're asking, "How can I be that happy? How can I make it seem like I have party animal blood and the energy of a baby squirrel?" Well friends, it's easy and it's fun.

Tip #1: Start your day off right.

But how?!

This may seem tricky, but once you get it down you'll be set to have the happiest day of your merry little life. You need to eat breakfast. I'm not talking the usual breakfast burrito or eggs and bacon kind of breakfast. I'm talking about a happy breakfast.

You're going to be eating unicorn for breakfast. But first you need to find one. I know what you're thinking, "Unicorn! Never! I will not eat an endangered species!" Well, first of all, if you want to be happy you will need to eat unicorn for breakfast. Second, unicorns are not "endangered" they are mythological... which means they will live on forever through literature.

Once you manage to rope in a seemingly fictitious creature you're going to need to jump on it and go for a little joy ride. Breakfast needs more ingredients than unicorn. It needs clouds... and lots of them.... and rainbows! Also, if you come across any fireflies, grab some of those, but seeing as it's morning, it may be a little difficult. Fireflies are optional.

Get creative. Make a unicloud smoothie. Or maybe make some cloudy pancakes with rainbow syrup and some unicorn steak on the side. Mix it up. If you want a burrito, go for it. If you want waffles, go for it. Also, feel free to add any happy ingredients you can think of. Some suggestions include sunshine, lollipops, butterflies, and sugar... lots of sugar.... oh! and don't for get baby kisses! (Baby kisses are more of a figurative addition, but if you can add unicorns to your breakfast, how far fetched are baby kisses?)

Tip #2: Exercise.

Now, don't tune me out just yet. Exercise can be fun, and fun is the key to happy. Here is a simple work out regiment you can pick up and have finished in no time at all.

Start with some cardio: Butterfly catching is by far one of the best things you can do to jolt your happiness level up. Grab your net, find a grassy knoll, and start catching little bits of happiness one pretty-winged insect at a time. They'll put up a fight too. These creatures, though seemingly harmless, are quite agressive. I once heard a story about some Monarchs that attacked a boy who was just sipping some lemonade under a large oak. Just picture yourself prancing... nay.... frolicking in a field with a butterfly net and a huge smile on your face. It may as well be raining mini marshmallows and glitter.

Happiness isn't all about cardio. You also need some muscle building. What's my suggestion? Well, since you're asking, I advise chopping down trees... Maybe you're thinking, "Trees!? Please!" Allow me to finish. Not only are you chopping down trees, but as you do this, make sure you have an audience of fairies watching. Fairies are some of the most encouraging creatures that ever didn't roam the earth. Imagine yourself, your strong, happy self, chopping down trees while hundreds of little winged fairies yell out your praises. You better have a smile on your face... and you better not step on one of them. Stepping on a fairy = beaconing death to visit you in your sleep. Stepping on a fairy is an instant killjoy.

Tip #3: Surround yourself with people.

This is important. Your happiness is all relative to the people you're surrounded by. You are going to want to be the happiest person anyone knows. So, what's the remedy? Find the saddest people you know. Surrounding yourself with sad people will quickly make your joy stand out. Don't just hog your joy either. Share it. Make a game of it. Your goal: Be happy and make other people happy. Then people will associate you with "happy".

But how do you make sad people happy? One word... "cookies".

Get creative with cookies. Let your cookies speak of your happiness. Literally, if you can make your cookies talk, you're headed in the right direction. Chocolate chip talking cookies. That has "yes" and "amen" written all over it.

Tip #4: Do something artistic.

I'm not saying that you should pick up ice sculpting or wood working. I'm suggesting that you do something big. I'm suggesting you pick up architecture. Nothing says "happiness" like life size gingerbread houses... unless of course you're Hansel and Gretel. But you're not, so start building your sweet structures! Include every candy that man has ever seen. Make tree houses. Make sheds. Make mansions. Make apartment complexes. Include the chocolate swimming pool and don't forget to add the gingerbread lawn decorations. When I think about being happy, I picture myself surrounded by all that mother sugar has to offer. This is the most delicious tip I have for you regarding your happiness.

Tip #5: Don't forget to get a full night's sleep.

Nothing is more unpleasant than waking up after a miserable night of sleep.
I suggest a mattress made of swan feathers and blankets stolen from the Queen herself. Once you master lucid dreaming you'll be fully capable of turning your commonplace dream of work and life into a dream where you are ruler over all the woodland creatures. You'll be able to control their every move and their every thought, because well, this is your dream and you can do whatever you like. The best part is that you can make every aspect of your dream happier than a baby with a popsicle. Your dreams are your subjects! You control them! You tell them what to do! And they are happy about it!

So there you have it. That's how I stay happy. Every once in a while I'll throw in a couple games of bowling, but that's not too often... my bowling game is not very good.

If you have any questions or start showing side effects, just give me a little ring-a-ling and we'll talk through whatever issues you have. My treatment is most often a hug and a smile. Maybe a wink and a nod.

Just tell yourself, "Today I will be happier than a bird with a french fry!"

UPDATE 3.13.11: UNICORN MEAT!

An apology of sorts.

2011-01-22T15:27:00.003-07:00

Dear Friends,

I've failed you. I am not a faithful blogger. I'm sorry. This blog has so little content. However, if you do want to keep up on my life, I would like to suggest you check out my photoblog. If you didn't click on the word "photoblog" then type "http://365blogchallenge.blogspot.com/" into your browser.

With love,

Elisha Guido

Why I Hate Cats

2010-12-28T19:18:00.004-07:00

When you think about cats you think either:

A. SO STINKING CUTE! SO STINKING ADORABLE! OMGZ!!!! BEST CREATURE ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET! LOLZ! I JUST WANT TO MELT AWAY IN A LAND FULL OF CUDDLY SWEETNESS!

or (more accurately)

B. Those are the foulest creatures that have ever walked the face of this planet. They are lazy, pointless, no good creatures. I wish they would all contract some sort of cat infecting disease and all die off. And hey PETA people, if you're reading this, even you know it's true.

If you are in category "A" please stop reading this blog. It's not for you. You would much rather read this.

In this blog we are going to review cats.

THIS IS A CAT

It looks innocent enough, but let's delve a little bit deeper into its anatomy.

This is still that same cat.

It has ears that are seemingly for hearing.

It has eyes that are seemingly for seeing.

It has a nose, and you guessed it, for smelling.

It has paws for doing adorable things like pawing at yarn and a tail for things like waving in the air for no reason.

It also has fur that seems nice enough to pet.

This is that same cat... but without the cute factor.

Only when we get rid of the "cuteness" of cats can we see them for the monstrous creatures that they really are.

Those ears, they are for listening to your thoughts. They hear what you think. They know your weaknesses. They know everything about you. They will kill you in your sleep.

Those eyes are there for staring into your soul. They steal a little bit of your soul away one glance at a time.

That fur, yeah, it's not really fur. It's dinosaur spikes. Why is that bad? I have no idea. I just know it makes the cat look more evil.

Oh, let's not forget those sweet little paws.... or shall I call them dagger sheaths. Those little paws harbor deathly weapons often used for clawing out eye balls and carving canyons in skin.

Obviously this is the same cat.

Now, please notice that this cute little kitten is in fact not so sweet and not so much a kitten, but rather dangerous and pretty much Satan incarnate.

As we look a little bit deeper at the anatomy of a cat we can notice that it is fostering the a great darkness (AKA: The smoke monster from Lost).

It also has some jagged teeth used for destroying nations. The claw sheaths are proof of the destruction of nations by said cat.

Also, please note the unibrow. Granted, most cats don't have unibrows, but I'm trying to make this feline look more morose.

Did you see that tail? How about those scales? Yeah, cats are pretty much disgusting and out to get you... and your children... and your mother... and your little dog too.

Same cat? You bet your life on it!

Finally let's examine those little spots on his fur...

These are known as "allergens" and yes, they are a cat's secret weapon to your murder.

If nothing else about the cat kills you, these ill tempered little guys will gladly make their way into your respiratory system.

Allergens are the worst of your problems when it comes to cats. They are ugly, they are cunning, they are well trained to take out a fleet of soldiers.

They will make you cry. They will take your breath away. They will make you itch. They will make you wish you were never born.

So to sum it all up. Let's all take some time to reevaluate the way we think about cats. Remember, all cats are evil and all cats deserve to be put out in the street and shot. Stop harboring them in your homes. Stop allowing them to sleep in your bed. Stop thinking about how cute they are. Cats are killers and if you support them then you are an accomplice. Decide today. Would you like to stand up for life or would you like to assist in the death of billions of people around the universe?

I know what side I'm on and I'm pretty sure I'm at the top of Sir Feline's hit list.

People Hate Words

2010-11-26T18:17:00.002-07:00

That's why this blog is so short.
Thanks for reading,
Elisha, the Lynn, the Guido.

A Day to be Thankful

2010-11-25T12:35:00.005-07:00

Recently I've been thinking about things that I'm thankful for. In spirit of the holiday, I've decided to compile a small list of some of the things that have really stood out.

1. The lack of facial hair on our organs and other matters to do with our innards.

Perhaps you've never considered how fortunate and truly blessed we are to not have to deal with such a travesty of having organs that grow facial hair. Sure, it may look cool. Sure you can say, "I'm literally a hipster at heart." Here's the thing though, hairy organs are just a bad idea altogether (with the exception of the organ of our skin). My primary concern for wooly innards, aside from the hygiene factor, is the potential (and possibly inevitable) itch factor that comes along with it. How do you scratch an itch that you just can't reach?

Could you imagine the torture of having an itch within you? Seriously, how nice is it that we don't have to awkwardly stab at our ears to relieve that itch located just in that unreachable spot on your brain? Or what about trying to scratch that itch located right next to your pancreas; talk about awkward. I'm so thankful that we don't have to deal with those types of problems.

(For the record, I know that asthma is pretty much eczema of the lungs, but let's pretend it's not.)

2. Not living during the black plague and other seemingly apocalyptic times.

I think it would be accurate for me to say that I probably wouldn't have had a great time had I lived during the black plague. I don't mean that in a way that I think that people had a great time as they watched bodies get piled on top of each other. I'm just saying that I probably wouldn't have had a great attitude as the "doctors" tried to draw the infection out of me with their unsterile needles and "modern technology." The 1300's were bleak enough, who needs some gnarly rat caused disease eating away at the flesh of you, your wife and your dog? On the bright side, it would have been a great time for country singers seeing as how all they ever sing about is how depressing their life is... oh and how they lost their dog.

I've digressed. Aside from the pain and rampant depression of those days, I'm afraid that this guy would haunt my dreams. He probably already does, but at least I know that I live in the 21st Century.

Those day's are behind us though, and that is something to be thankful for. But it's also the days to come that I am thankful I don't live in as well. I think it would be fair to say I'd be one of the first to go in the event of a zombie apocalypse. I'm not exactly the most cautious person, and I tend to think with the right charm and good looks any flesh eating zombie could seem like a friend. Not to mention, we've never really seen a real, undead zombie. Who know's how they really act. I think that the smart ones could keep it together... at least for a little while. I don't think all zombies have to look like meth addicts. Some could be doctors. Some could be teachers. Some could even be your mother. It's just a matter of teaching them to have self control. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Zombies throw all their inhibitions aside. They're fleshly. They do what they like." I'm telling you that no one is too far gone. Not even the zombie that you catch in your back yard eating your dog. Why don't you just sing a song about it.

3. The only thing that ever really mattered.

On a more serious note (I know, what could be more seriously that bearded organs and unnatural things eating our dogs) I am incredibly thankful for where I am in my life right now. Sure, some days are harder than others, but in all things I know that God is good. In all things I know that the Lord who created me and promised me good things is taking care of me. This summer I dwelt a lot on a few verses from Isaiah 43. They read as follows:

But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

I give Egypt as your ransom,
Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
Because you are precious in my eyes,
and honored, and I love you,

As I read this I could not help but be overwhelmed by how good my God is to me. I could not help but feel completely overtaken by feelings of unceasing love. My God, my Father, my Creator, he formed me. He redeemed me. He has called me by name. I belong to Him and Him alone. Even that is so much for my heart to handle. Even that causes so much gratefulness within me. He goes on. He says that I will pass through waters, not if but when. He says that I will pass through rivers. He says that I will walk through fire. All of these things are sure. My life as a Christian was never promised to be easy. It was never promised to be effortless or painless. The great thing is that I don't need those promises. What I do need, and what I do have according to His word is that I have Him. He has promised that he will be with me. He has promised that he will not let me be overwhelmed by the waters. He has promised that I will not be burned. He has promised that the flame will not consume me. Who cares about living a life of ease when I have the promise of a Father who will take take of me? He is the Lord, my God. He is my savior. He loves me unconditionally. It's the final verses that I quoted that I love more than any of the others though. The final verses are reason for me to be most thankful. I am precious in His eyes. I am honored and he loves me.

I have nothing to be more thankful for than the love from the God who created the universe. It is his love that has absolved me. It is his love that has changed me. It is because of his love for me that I truly live. It is his love that causes me to truly rejoice. It is his love that gives me strength. It is his love and his alone that I need. What more do I need to be thankful for?

Best Television Your Money Could Buy

2010-11-19T22:51:00.005-07:00

Have you ever found yourself thinking that there was more to this life than just sitting around watching television shows about overly dramatic high schoolers singing show tunes and middle aged business men from the 60's that say "what?!" all too often?

Well you've come to the right place for something new. I know what you may be feeling. You're skeptical, unsure, and untrusting. I totally understand those feelings. I felt them all once, but then I had a revelation. It's all about penguins.

I know, that may seem weird, but in all honesty that is where this blog stemmed from. I've since formulated my thoughts into a television show idea that I hope you would be interested in supporting.

Close your eyes and picture this:

A camera pans across the arctic where thousands of penguins are gathering to keep warm through the harshest of months. These penguins have no idea what human civilization is like. They've never seen a fleshling before.

Camera pans out. Off in the distance, all alone is a penguin slowly waddling his way over to the herd. He is a little awkward looking, but that's too be expected from any penguin that has been away from a bird society for as long as this one has been. He makes his way to the huddle. How do the other penguins react? Are they accepting? Are the suspicious? Do they let him in or do they shun him out? Do they attack him out of fear or do they trust him and lead him to the middle of the huddle? Do they crown him king (in their own way, of course) or do they peck him in the eyes?

> Pause.

> Rewind

That's not an awkward penguin huddling toward a herd. It's a man!

Woah! Didn't see that coming.

Clever idea, right?

That's right. That's my proposal. It's a science experiment of sorts. Surely if we can find a man willing to camouflage himself in the most ridiculous of animal outfits* and if we can find a group of animals that have no knowledge of mankind, we, as a human civilization can infiltrate communities throughout the animal kingdom!

Now, maybe you're thinking this would be a stupid show, but let me try to persuade you some more.

Let's say penguins seem a little dumb to watch. Let me propose this. Lions. Now what are you thinking? Are you thinking you would be willing to watch a man go undercover into the den of the king of the jungle? The more dangerous the circumstances, the better the show. After all, isn't that what we've always loved about television? Don't we cling to the suspense? Don't we long for the adrenaline of life and death? Don't we live vicariously through the characters?

There's a time that comes in every child's life where they desire nothing more than to grow up to be their favorite animal. I can still remember the late nights that I longed to grow up as a tiger. Then reality sets in. You grow up. You go to middle school. Everything changes. Those dreams you had to be a lion cub or bobcat or elephant are all laughed upon by kids who've forgotten how to dream and now you're told that it's not physically possible. I'm telling you it is possible. I'm telling you that it can be done. I'm telling you that you can be accepted into family of bears. Even if you aren't "accepted" by them, at least you tried. At least you won't go your whole life wondering, "what if?"

I'm telling you that a show like this is the kind of program that changes lives... for real... It's not just building someone a house. It's not just singing on a stage waiting for people to tell you that you're good enough. I'm telling you that it's a show that can change the way that humans and animals interact. By infiltrating... nay... by joining in with the animal communities we can start forming friendships. Seal once sang, "Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future. I want to fly like an eagle to the sea, fly like an eagle..." I'm telling you and the English R&B singer that we don't have to be far off from our wildest (pun intended) dreams.

I've come up with some name ideas.

Man vs. Wilder

and

Favorite Case Scenario: Animal Community Edition!

Also... I understand you still may have doubts. Maybe you're even thinking, "Would I even know if some animal starting pretending to be a human?!" Don't get ridiculous. We're humans. We are far smarter than animals. Even if dolphins (supposed the smartest animals) were to try to impose as humans, I'm sure we would notice. We're smart. We have brains that work... well..ish.

*These costumes would include all the necessary techniques to ensuring a flawless camouflage. Scents would be changed. Vocal technologies would be provided for limited, yet sufficient communication with the species. These sorts of things would be taken care of.

Good Coffee

2010-11-01T12:43:00.001-06:00

Good coffee is much better than bad coffee... especially when you drink it out of a mustache cup.

Update: A Book a Week

2010-10-22T14:54:00.008-06:00

If you follow my blog you would know that I recently took on a challenge to read a book a week for six weeks. It was a challenge I was presented by Donald Miller's blog. If you aren't going to read this whole blog, at least read the first few paragraphs.

I regret that I did not successfully complete my set goal. I am glad that I didn't just give up though. I did read all six books, it just took me seven weeks instead of six.

Why take on such a challenge? Well, I was told that I would be bored with being bored by the end of the six weeks. It is true. Technically, it was during my seventh week that I noticed how unappealing things like facebook and twitter had become. I found myself reading news articles more often online. I found my time spent on the internet was spent on websites like Good and Information is Beautiful. Also, just for kicks, check out The Daily What. I read statistics online. I read articles about businesses with incredible employee benefits. I read articles about the effects that siblings have on each other. I read articles about peoples lives and experiences. The point is that I read more.

I would highly recommend this challenge to everyone. Seriously, it will change your life; it will discipline you; it will engage you; it will stretch you; it will teach you to manage your time better; it will teach you to be bored with being bored.

Here are the books I read and some of my thoughts throughout each one.

Week 1: i am not, but i know I AM - Louie Giglio

When I finished the book, I wrote in my journal, "There are so many points that make me want to restructure my life."

I learned more and more as I read that the sabbath isn't just a day to rest, but it's a day that keeps us in check. It's a day that says, "Lord, I cannot, but you can." I feel like I can get so into the habit of working, working and not taking a day off that I feel I can do it all on my own. When I work continuously without a break, I get into the mind set of thinking that people should think higher of me because I am working hard, I am working diligently, and I am awesome. The sabbath is a humbling day. It's a day that says, "Hey, I cannot work everyday of the week. I cannot do things on my own. I cannot do anything without Him." It is a way to show the people around you that even though you can work hard, you can take a day off because God doesn't have to.

The point of the book is to make the case that the lives we live, the world we live in, the story that we are in, is in fact, not the story of us, but rather the story of God. It is a story that we are a part of, but not the star of. One of my favorite parts of the book comes near the end when Giglio starts listing ways that we know we've lost the plot of the story, of His story.

...When I live like I'm privileged, I have lost the plot...

... When I am demanding, I have lost the plot...

... When I act pompous, I have lost the plot...

... When I crumble under pressure, I have lost the plot...

... When I start protecting, I have lost the plot...

... What I crave the spotlight for myself, I have lost the plat...

... When I fail to celebrate the success of others who are living for His fame, I have lost the plot...

... When I dwell on feelings of being unloved, unnoticed, or insignificant, I have lost the plot...

(Louie Giglio, p. 134-135)

In each situation, Giglio points out that we are trying to be the ones doing the work, that we are ultimately not seeking Him but rather ourselves. In living like I deserve to live a life of luxury, I act like I actually have the right to be living in this story apart from Jesus. In being demanding, I require that others meet my needs. In being pompous, I believe that I am actually important, thus pointing out that I haven't even glimpsed the greatness of God. In crumbling under pressure I put the weight of everything on my own shoulders, as if the outcome is solely my doing. In craving the spotlight, I obviously lose sight that He is greater than I. In failing to rejoice with the rejoicing, I act as if I am fighting against my own brothers and sisters, as if their win for Him is my loss. In dwelling of feelings of insignificance, being unloved and unnoticed, I act as if His love for me means nothing. Hello, can someone say "conviction?" Yes, I can. CONVICTION.

Those are my key thoughts on Giglio. I read it so quickly that I felt I needed to read it again and again. I will, but not today.

Week 2: Into the Wild- Jon Krakauer

If there has ever been a book that forced me into myself, that caused me to delve into the solitude of my own being, it is this book. I definitely think that this book was one of my favorites. The main plot is about this kid, Chris McCandless, fresh out of college, with what he feels is a terrible relationship with his parents, a disdain for authority, and a desire to be completely sufficient on himself and the elements around himself.

*SPOILER ALERT*

This guy, Chris, is the most introspective, introverted person I have ever read about. Throughout the story he has many encounters with several different people, and though he loves his experiences with them, he ventures "into the wild" to be alone. There is such great irony in his death. He lives his life thinking he will find happiness in the wild. He lives life thinking he will find happiness when he doesn't have to rely on anyone or anything. When he finally realizes that "happiness is only real when shared" he heads out to make his way back to civilization. Unfortunately, due to river heights, he cannot return and he never does.

Upon graduating, he gives $25,000 to Oxfam, an organization that fights hunger. His death (of starvation) seemed so ridiculous to me. Some say when he ventured out, he was venturing out with a will to die, with a desire to die. I think he was just trying to find something. I think he was just trying to prove a point to himself that he didn't need anybody. I think that ultimately he realized that he couldn't live life without people. I think he was not ready to die. However unfortunate, death found him. The worst part is that there were several cabins within a few miles of his location. In addition there were two potential ways to cross the high river when he first attempted to return home. Had he been equipped with the proper foreknowledge, he could have, and probably would have lived. Sad story.

*END OF SPOILER*

I left the city one day while reading the book because I just wanted to be alone and somewhere nobody would know me. Great book.

Week 3: A Grief Observed- C.S. Lewis

This was one of the least interesting books for me to read, surprisingly. I found myself unable to understand or relate to how great Lewis' pain was. The book is a collection of journal entries he wrote upon the death of his wife. He goes through all the stages of grief and processes it all through the pages. I do not know that pain. I do not understand that pain. I have sympathy for the man, but I do not have empathy. I hurt for his hurt, but I do not fully understand the hurting he is experiencing, thankfully.

Quoting Lewis is like the holy grail of retweeting in the Christian Twittersphere. I've heard the following quote a countless number of times. "I need Christ, not something that resembles Him." However, every time I have read that quote, the latter half of the quote is cut out, "I want H., not something that is like her." (C.S. Lewis p.65) Reading the quote in context, as with anything, gives such greater depth and significance to it's meaning. Lewis is talking about how the pictures of his wife, the memories of her are not her at all. He talks about how taking communion and remembering Christ is not in the least a resemblance to what it signifies. The partaking of communion is the remembering of Christ's suffering. Taking communion is not Christ's suffering. The same goes for his wife. Remembering her is not her. It is a resemblance of her. He needs Christ, not something that resembles Him. He needs Christ's sacrifice, not the remembering of him through communion. He wants his wife, not the memories or pictures of her.

Though hard to grasp, it was also a great book.

Week 4: Catcher in the Rye- J.D. Salinger

I must confess that though this book is a great book, it had little effect on me. I think it was a great story, very well told, but it didn't do too much for me. It was wonderfully enjoyable, and a book I would read again, but not necessarily one that stirred anything up in me.

I found this story to be much like Into the Wild, however, with a different outcome. It had the same idea and the same themes of poor family relations, disdain for authority, and angst. He (Holden) ventures alone into New York City, spends much time disliking people and being completely cynical, however, in his depths he desires company; he desires genuine relationships. He is constantly desiring to be with people and in the end, I think that's why he sticks around and doesn't pull a Chris McCandless and head into the wild.

I did love this quote from the book, but instead of analyzing it, I'll just let you think about it.

The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.

(J.D. Salinger p.188)

Week 5 and Week 6: Let the Nations Be Glad- John Piper

This is the book that set me back and, as a result, was a key contributor as to why and how I did not finish this challenge. I thought it may be a bit ambitious to try to read Piper in one week. I was right. It was ambitious. It took two weeks and I definitely should reread it about twenty four hundred more times. If you read the first paragraph of that book, you should probably take a week to process it.

The whole purpose of the book can be summed up in a very short and clear sentence found in the first paragraph, "Missions exists because worship does not." (John Piper p.17). The whole idea of the book is that we have missions not just because we should want to see others in heaven, not just because we have compassion for the lost, not just because we are called to it, but ultimately we have missions because there is a lack of worshiping God. Our whole purpose is to glorify God. That is what we were created for. We weren't created to find people and tell them about Jesus, but we were created to please Him. We have missions because God is not being glorified. We have missions so that more people in more places can glorify God too.

Here's what's so awesome about it all though; we were created to glorify God and in glorifying Him we find our ultimate joy. We are ultimately satisfied in the glorification of Him.

Do you lack joy? Are you not satisfied in life? Do you feel like there's something greater that you don't understand? There is. His name is Jesus Christ. Give your life over to Jesus. Seek Him out. Pour all of your time and efforts into glorifying His name. If you do that, not only are you fulfilling your purpose here on Earth, but you will find ultimate joy in doing so. This is a joy that can't be broken in the hurting. This is a joy that withstands the trials. This is a joy that doesn't break under pressure. This is a joy that perseveres though the dessert. This is a joy that you can have because of Jesus. Let your joy be in Jesus.

Let the peoples praise you, O God;

let all the peoples praise you!

Let the nations be glad and sing for joy.

-Psalm 67:3-4

Week 7: Brave New World- Aldus Huxley

It was during this book that I realized that things like facebook and twitter had become incredibly uninteresting.

Let's get right into this. I remember I was supposed to read this book as a senior in high school. Of course, I only read the first couple chapters. I do remember loving what I read though. It was so weird, so unusual, so unnatural. Basically, the book opens up with a tour of what are called "hatcheries." The idea is that people are no longer born, no longer have mothers or fathers or families, or even a choice in social status. The are born (which is a term I use loosely) into a caste system and through brain washing and electroshock, they are trained to be happy with who they are and what the do. Alpha's are the highest and look down on the lower castes, but are trained to understand that everyone is essential to a happy and peaceful civilization. The lower castes, Delta's, Gamma's and Epsilon's, are chemically hindered while in developmental stages. They're also electrocuted when exposed to things like flowers. They are trained to hate certain things so that they can be content with where they are. They are trained to appreciate how much the higher castes work instead of envy their status.

Though the book is mostly about a "savage" named John who grew up on a reservation (which is basically one of the few "uncivilized" areas) my heart broke for the "civilized" society. They didn't have the chance to even know what love is. They didn't have the chance to really embrace pain. Drugs, sex and ignorance are the remedy for every bit of life's problems.

The world's stable now. People are happy; they get what they want, and they never want what they can't get. They're well off; they're safe; they're never ill; they're not afraid of death; they're blissfully ignorant of passion and old age; they're plagued with no mothers or fathers; they've got no wives, or children or lovers to feel strongly about; they're so conditioned that they practically can't help behaving as they ought to behave.

(Aldus Huxley, p.220)

They live in a world completely devoid of any truth. They live in a world where they don't get to know or understand any emotion. Reading this book breaks my heart and I think it's because in some ways it's very similar to the world we live in. People just want to be happy; they don't care what it costs them. The only difference is that in the real world people know that something isn't right when they don't know Truth. People in our world who know Truth wouldn't give it up for anything. In Huxley's world, they have no idea what they are missing out on. The "Savage", who grew up in a society completely primitive, knows pain, knows sadness, knows sacrifice, knows the arts, and knows love, and ultimately knows the "truth." He goes on, later in the book, to state his feelings on living in a world where people are strictly comfortable. He says, "But I don't want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin... I'm claiming the right to be unhappy." (Huxley, p.240). Ultimately the man just wants the choice. He wants the opportunity to know truth. He would rather give up comfort and happiness for the ability to live with what is true, no matter the cost.

This book was ranked among one of my favorites throughout the challenge and is probably a book I will read again soon. What a wonderful piece of literature.

So that's it. That's the summary of my challenge. If you read the whole blog I feel you also have the ability to successfully complete the six week, six book challenge, and thusly so, I challenge you to do it. Thanks for your time. I'm going to go read a book now... or re-read this blog for errors. What I'm saying is that I'm going to go read now.

If You Didn't Know

2010-10-01T19:19:00.002-06:00

I have a photoblog.
It's not much but it will definitely get better as the year goes on.
I'm currently in the process of making it look better than it did.
It looked really bad.

Go here.
It will make you want to throw up baby unicorns. (That is a disgusting thing to image, by the way.)

Bad Coffee

2010-09-20T12:36:00.003-06:00

Have you ever had coffee so bad that you literally gagged every time you swallowed it then proceeded to yell out, "OH MY GOODNESS! THIS IS BY FAR THE WORST THING ON EARTH!" That's the story of my day. This coffee is so bad, but I'm willing to suffer for the caffeine I'm pumping into my system. Still, this is the worst coffee I've ever had in my life.

On an unrelated note, if a bear walks into a bar and offers you a high five you should politely decline. I don't trust bears or their "high fives."

A Book a Week

2010-09-18T10:38:00.002-06:00

I recently read an article by Donald Miller that was talking about how young 20 something year olds aren't really growing up. I believe it. For the most part I feel I've grown up and matured in a lot of ways (even though I am only 21) but I know I still have so much growing up to do. That is somewhat besides the point. In the article, Miller challenges the reader to read a book a week for six weeks stating, "This alone will stimulate your mind and you'lll start being bored with being bored."

I'm the kind of person that loves to buy books. I'll buy books based on their covers; I'll buy books based on their authors; I'll by books based on pretty much anything. The problem isn't that I buy books; the problem is that I don't read books. I love my bookshelf and the variety of books I own, but every time I buy a book I read maybe a couple chapters then move on to the next book that looks good at the book store. To be honest, there are very few books that have captured my attention long enough for me to read them out to completion. There are even fewer, obviously, that I have read multiple times.

So I took on Donald Miller's challenge. I decided I would read a book a week for six weeks. I've decided to make sure I have a variety of books in my selection. As of right now, my line up looks as follows:

Week 1: i am not but i know I AM - Louie Giglio

Week 2: Into the Wild - Jon Krakaur

Week 3: Forgotten God/Crazy Love - Francis Chan (I'm currently debating which to read)

Week 4: Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger

Week 5: The Great Divorce - C.S. Lewis (This one is also subject to change)

Week 6: Fahrenheit 451 - Ray Bradbury

I feel most of these are subject to change, but as of right now I'm in the process of finishing up week two.

I'm sure I'll blog when I finish my endeavor and let you know how the whole thing went down. Will I grow up in the process? Probably not. Will I appreciate reading more? Chances are that I will. Thus far... success. I finished week one a day late, but hopefully week two will end a day early. I look forward to when I finish but I look forward to the exciting books I get to read in the mean time.

Overnight

2010-09-12T15:26:00.003-06:00

First of all, Wow, it has been forever since I blogged.
I am currently sitting in a hotel lobby outside of the Washington D.C. area. I've never experienced a cancelled flight before and I've certainly never had to stay in a hotel overnight by myself as a result. Today is a day filled with new experiences.

A football game is playing in the background and there is a really sweet older couple that were supposed to be on the same flight as me that are sitting at a table near by. They are from Australia. They were in the customer service line in front of me at the airport. I really appreciated their patience. So many people in the line were going off on this or that just being jerks for whatever reason. I think that them waiting in line by themselves for over an hour was more than enough time to realize that they were being jerks. For the most part people cooled down by the time they realized that it wasn't the customer service reps fault that the plane was broken.

Also, here is some advice... if you are not meant to do customer service and you suck at relating to people then you should probably stick to whatever you do instead of trying to help foreign customers. Let's just say that I feel so incredibly bad for the poor guy who hardly speaks English who had a woman practically yelling at him the whole time. I literally would have broken down in tears if I were him. (I suppose that's not technically something that would literally happen... One minute I'm flesh and bone, then next I'm a puddle of salty water on the ground.) She was so mean. She was so mean. Eventually she called some guy named Samuel and said, "SAMUEL! I NEED YOUR HELP! I CANNOT GET AWAY FROM THIS CUSTOMER!" I don't think the guy knew completely what she was saying, but the anger in her eyes was enough to make the hairs on Tom Sellecks chest shrivel up and cry... and chest hairs don't even have tear ducts.

Like I said though, I'm in a Mariot and I just finished my dinner. I think it was the best meal I've had all week. I wish I would have gone with the salmon salad instead though. I guess a burger is a burger where ever I go.

*I just heard that someone ordered room service. They ordered three fried eggs and it's $8.50. Also, no, they didn't want any bread with it.*

That's all for now!

Not My Pig

2010-08-15T20:19:00.003-06:00

Carrie and I have a little saying around the office. It all started when I started to imagine a pig running down the halls of the church. I started laughing to myself because it really isn't that common for a pig to run down the halls. I thought, "You know what? That's not my pig!" I decided to draw a pig on Carries dry erase board of a pig. He was cute, however, over time, I knew Carrie would erase him, so every now and then I would change him up to be cute and unerasable.

Pie is nice.

2010-08-15T20:07:00.004-06:00

I made pie with Hanna Dillon last night. Let's go through the steps... quickly.

Step one: Find butter and eat it. Just kidding... don't eat it, use it to make a pie crust.

Step two: mix pie crust ingredients.

Step three: you have crust.

Step four: put crust in pan.

Step five: add filling, which looks disgusting but tastes pretty awesome.

Step six: cook pie.

Step seven: label pie so everyone knows who it belongs to.

Because it was exhilarating

2010-08-01T20:42:00.002-06:00

I wrote this blog in the summer of 2007. I liked it so much I decided to post it here.

"So, the other day Andrea and I were at the mall walking through the food court. She was talking on my phone to some people at work and I, I was walking next to her.

Well, what can I say other than, are you ready to hear a story of love, happiness, emotion, and freedom? If you're not, then please, take this time to prepare.

As I was saying, we were walking through the mall. I heard from afar the sounds of a cow bell. Normally, Im sure not many make a big deal of this cow bell, and normally, neither would I. But it was that day, and it was that moment in time where, where I felt I needed to let myself free.

As we walked nearer and nearer to chick fil a, and as the sound of the cow bell rang louder and louder in my ears, I could feel this overwhelming emotion taking over me. Then, I saw him.

It was a cow, but not just any cow, it was the chick fil a cow. It was a cow so happy, and so jolly, and well, just ringing his cow bell in hopes of getting those ever so judgemental mall goers to try, just try a sample of his product. He wanted to show these people how we really should eat more chicken. Unforunately, these mall people were harsh and paid little attention to his bell ringing and passion. I however, I was different.

As we approached him, I felt it. I felt the calling. I felt the need. So I did it, and perhaps nobody had before me, but I did it, and I am proud.

I danced. (and if you know me, you know my dance skillz are off the heezey fo'sheezey)

I danced with the chick fil a cow. I moved back and forth, moved up and down, and yeah, perhaps at first the cow was a bit frightened, but then he joined me. He danced. He rung his bell to a beat, he moved up and down, shook side to side, wiggled just as I did. Then it came, I did a spin, and I danced in my spin, and the cow spun with me, and as I spun, I saw a woman and her child watching, the woman was pointing and smiling and the child seemingly happy too. And I felt fulfilled.

I finished my little show and gave the cow a high five. And as I walked away, I could not turn down the free lemonade sample.

Andrea soon noticed that I was not in fact only right behind her, but rather quite far behind dancing with a cow, and said to Brenda who was on the phone, "Oh my gosh, Elisha is dancing with a cow."

Anyway, that whole experience left me feeling so happy. It was such a strange emotion, like I didnt care if the entire mall saw me dancing with a cow because dancing with the cow is what made me happy. It felt almost as if it were an out of body experience. I had been set free and let go. And even though it had only been for a short moment in time, it was a moment that just seemed suspended in time."

What If Our Arms Were Firearms?

2010-07-01T15:59:00.005-06:00

First of all, I'm talking about these kinds of firearms.

Not these ones.

Now, to the matter at hand.

Last night I had a revelation; coffee may have a similar effect on my body that various hallucinogens may have. (Which by the way, I have nothing to base this revelation on other than what television and movies have taught me about illicit drugs.)

Anyway, I started to think about the negative effect that firearms would have on our society if they took the place of our upper appendages. Those effects were severe. I'd prefer to not bring up the film Planet Terror, but how can I not? Not to mention they just replaced one leg!

Imagine that movie with a chick without hands! More like Planet Terrorible!

I've compiled a list of reasons why literal firearms would yield negative results on our society.

1. As noted by my first image, hand shakes would become not only more awkward but dangerous as well. Nobody enjoys handshakes anyway, unless, of course, you're a politician or have some sort of hand fetish. Either you are a hugger or you prefer people to stay out of your personal space. Besides, who knows when those hands were last washed?

2. Opening doors would become infinitely more difficult (if you're a patient person) and infinitely more expensive (if you're an impatient person). I bet you never imagined you'd appreciate being able to open a door without having to blow it open with your semi-automatic or having to learn how to maneuver your toes in an awkward way to twist the knob. Seriously, that would be the bane of my existence.

3. I think that people's personalities would change for the worse. I think we'd see a massive spike in the number of people with paranoid schizophrenia and we'd also see a drop in the number of people with normal, healthy relationships. I think that the sane people would not be willing to risk the lives of loved ones and everyone else would be so socially frustrated that they'd head out on killing rampages.

All of this to say that I think it would be in the best interest of man kind not to experiment or even tolerate the idea of firearms.

For Today

2010-06-28T10:08:00.002-06:00

Isaiah 43. Just the first three verses for now.

'Grizelda'- Yeasayer
'It's A Disaster'- OK Go
'Horchata'- Vampire Weekend
'All the World is Green'- Tom Waits
'My Girls'- Animal Collective
'Runaway'- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
'Never Gonna Give You Up'- The Black Keys
'When You Ain't Got Nobody'- Tom Waits
'Sound'- Vera
'Citizen'- Broken Bells
'Home'- Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
'Wait For the Summer'- Yeahsayer
'Corriander'- Pomegranates

Sometimes Good Things Come to an End

2010-06-16T20:32:00.002-06:00

Squaters

2010-06-06T15:15:00.002-06:00

My family recently discovered a hummingbirds nest on our front porch.
A couple weeks ago two little eggs hatched and have since grown a
significant amount. It seemed that we would see the mother hummingbird
every day, but the past few days there has an absence. Perhaps we just
always miss her, but we are afraid that she either died or has decided
to abandon the little birds. They sure are cute and I really hope they
make it out in this harsh, harsh world.

Secret Competitions

2010-05-26T17:34:00.005-06:00

It dawned on me the other day that there is a very good chance airports hold secret competitions that nobody else knows about. After all, if people knew about them, they wouldn't really be secrets, would they?

It has come to my attention that there is a very good chance that airports are in a competition to see who can have the ugliest carpet.

I've been in several air ports, and it just seems that all of them have HORRIBLE carpet. Please examine the following samples.

Spokane (GEG)

This is the Spokane Airport. I think out off all the ugly carpets, they had my favorite. That is to say, "Congratulations! You win and being the best of the worst!"

On a scale of one to ten, I give it a nine for fun!

Las Vegas Airport (LAS)

I felt bad for this airport. The carpet definitely gets a D-. I suppose I would have given it a worse grade, but I figured the carpet could have been worse. Given the city it is located in, it could have smelled worse or even looked worse. It really just lacked anything unique. This was just carpet. Plain, boring, ugly carpet.

El Paso International Airport (ELP)

El Paso absolutely has one of the most unique carpets out of all the airports I've been in. I feel like I could stare at these green lizards for hours, naming and giving imaginary personalities to each one. This is the kind of carpet that you walk on and feel like there are sponges beneath your feet. I give El Paso the score of better than "okay", but I wouldn't go as far as to say "good".

In conclusion:

Spokane: 9 for fun!

Las Vegas: D- for lack of anything

El Paso: Somewhere between "okay" and "good" for just being mediocre.

Today is a really big day

2010-05-23T09:53:00.000-06:00

The whole world is talking about it.

A Story

2010-05-13T15:05:00.000-06:00

On our way to work, Kevin and I saw this couple. How can I put into words my thoughts? It was a mix between overjoyed and completely and utterly mystified.

They are a fun little couple. I tend to think they stole the scooter, liked the idea of a triangular flag on it and are currently on the run.

Here are some stories I have come up with to describe the situation.

1. Meet Mr. and Mrs. Fenstermacher (aka. The Widow Makers)

The Mr and Mrs met back in the day when the Mrs. was just a Ms. and was visiting Germany on a top secret mission. You see, the Mrs was in charge of seducing and poisoning the Prime Minister of Czechoslovakia. Her mission was to steal his heart, then break it.... you know, to remove the microchip that contained the plans to blow up half of the Africa in order build a massive cloche factory. Those Czechs sure do love their meat and fruit pastries. Her mission was simple, her heart was hard. The Mr. was working in a government building as a double agent... I mean an Internal Security Analyst. They happened upon each other when his mission was to kill her. He couldn't do it. Her mission wasn't to kill him, but she couldn't even if she wanted to... well she could, but that's beside the point.

Now they live in Montana and are freelance hit men. Think about it. They show up at your door and you're expecting them to ask for a cup full of sugar. Instead you get a cup full of baseball bat to your face.

2. Meet the Smiths.

The Smiths have made their living by breeding show dogs. They train the dogs day and night. Seriously, these dogs are the best out there. Not only do they eat out of golden bowls, but their dog food cost more than it cost you to be born (unless you were born in like a closet or something, then imagine you were born in a hospital where your mother was in labor for 72.4 hours.)

3. Meet the Loves

She was upper class... practically royalty. He was a lower class alley cat just trying to make his way to America. She was engaged. He didn't care. He taught her how to spit. She taught him how to love. Then their boat sank. They held hands. He died. Then she moved to America and met Mr. Love. He was no Leo, but he was alive... so that was a plus. Oh, then she threw a necklace in Flathead Lake. Nobody really got that part, but whatever.

4. Meet the Farkels

They've been together for 59 years. They started their journey as young friends exploring the greater northwest by scooter. They slept in trees and ate from wild resources. They're love has only grown stronger. The Mr. has suffered multiple toe fungi along with a severe case of body odor that could make even a septic tank smell like a field of daisies. The Mrs has upon one occasion had a real bad case of the tapeworm (aka: curious george). Don't ask me why they named it. I just tell the story.

Awkward Situations

2010-05-01T15:59:00.003-06:00

I often find myself in awkward situations... especially when at Starbucks by myself. The following are some examples.

1. Yesterday I came in and all the seats were taken except for a table located next to an older couple on their first date. The girl had short brown curly hair and glasses. She dressed simply, but was very content. The guy wore glasses as well, but his hair was much longer. It was a mix between a dirty blonde and brown and was held back in a pony tail... then tied up in another pony tail held half way down, then another at the bottom. He had a couple tattoos and plugs in his ears. He was almost fifty according to part of their conversation.

(Now, here's the deal, I've recently decided not to wear headphones while out and about. I feel like it imposes on the potential for you to talk to new people and for them to approach you. It's very seclusive.)

I tried very hard not to listen to their conversation, but it went a little something like this.

Girl- "Well, she wants to go to this college, but her father doesn't want her to. But that's pretty much it about my kids, what about you?"

Guy- "Oh, well, I have ten."

Girl- "Ten? Wow"

Guy- "Well, technically eight, the other two are step kids."

Their conversation continued and I tried not to listen to what they were saying. Normally it wouldn't be an awkward situation, given that all the other seats were filled, however this is what happened. My computer was trying to download a trial version of CS5. My computer has to be plugged into a power source or it will immediately die. Shorty after I started the download, much of the room cleared out, but I couldn't move or I'd lose all of my work. So for two and a half hours I sat within arms length of the only other couple in the room... on their first date with no headphones. It was awkward. At various points in their conversation he would look at me, working away, lean in closer to her, then whisper something.

2. Today I came to Starbucks and took a seat on one of the comfy chairs located by the fireplace. I was setting myself up for awkwardness when I sat in a large area alone.

A family showed up and I pretty much looked like I was a part of their party. They each looked at me, expecting me to get up, but I couldn't leave... my computer was plugged into the wall and I was working on something.

I'm just going to sit alone in small corners from now on.

That's all.

Fond Memories

2010-04-26T23:44:00.002-06:00

I was going to write a different blog today, but instead I want to post a conversation I had with a great friend a while back.

"Life is good. Oh indeed.

Indeed indeed! Life is grand! Life is precious! Life is sweet! Oh life! Oh life! How marvelous! How swell! How beautiful! Love life, Elisha. Embrace it!

Live it! Love it! Laugh with it! Laugh at it! Sing about it! Sing through it! Make the best of it! Skip through it! Dance with it! And most importantly do NOT forget the happy face!

Oh happy face! Wonderful sunshine happy face! Take the happy face everywhere you go! Wear it! Spread it! Be it!

Oh the things I can achieve with a happy face worn! Oh the places I'll go! Oh the people I'll meet!

Oh the sites you'll see! Oh the lives you'll change! The gloomy days you'll brighten!

Oh the sun that will shine! Oh the hearts to be mine! Oh the love to be won! Oh the joy and the fun!

Oh the lives that will glow! Oh the happiness will grow! At the sight of your face, and the suns warm embrace!

Oh the days that will come! Oh the races to run! Oh the fights to be won! Oh the will to be done!

Oh the laughs to be heard! They'll be as free as a bird! Oh the days will be brightened! Oh the hearts they will lighten!

Come on! I can't compete with that!

Que?

Your rhymes are too sweet, every rhythm in beat. Every word has a meaning and I can't be as skilled as you. See?

Oh my dear that's not true! Please oh please don't be blue! You are skilled in your rhymes! So much so it should be a crime!

Okay, okay. But it's only because I drop rhymes in my spare time. Ya know- I save my pennies till I can make the bennies...

Haha you win!

No! I hate winning!"

Twenty One

2010-04-25T23:40:00.005-06:00

Today I turned 21. Here are the things I did today. Well... some of them.

This is when I noticed it was my birthday. It was midnight, so I did some yoga.

Before I went to bed I read a Psalm. It's pretty legit.

I woke up to take a shower and was greeted by an amazing gift from my amazing family.

I got a tea from Awaken that was delicious.

Sara and the girls decorated my office and I didn't even notice! Once I did, I felt really special and it was really awesome.

They also gave me a donut and a naked juice.

Some friends and I went to Tamarack for a lovely lunch.

I got a free monster cookie. Everyone enjoyed that... especially Ella.

Jake took Carrie and I to Somers beach which is pretty much amazing.

And still pretty amazing.

And still pretty amazing. I wrote out my name.

And we hung out there some more.

And I finished the day off by drinking a glass of sparking white grape juice from target and watching Made of Honor with Carrie.

Then, just for kicks, I crossed out the "non" part of the "non alcoholic" label... you know, just for fun.

This means something

2010-04-25T00:02:00.003-06:00

Like that I'm twenty one.

Throwback!

2010-04-20T19:22:00.004-06:00

I bought a new photo editing app for my phone the other day. Let's just say it is my favorite!

The time came for me to clean my car!

This is the first picture I took with it. LEGIT!

Backyard Bliss

Kids BBQ in the good old midwest

I shouldn't be up here alone

Hello early sixties!

This is my job.

Hello Home.

Blanc et Noir

Customer Survey

2010-04-19T16:38:00.003-06:00

I was recently asked by my Starbucks receipt to take a survey online for a free drink. I obliged. In the comment section I was asked, "Please describe in detail what you liked most about THIS visit to Starbucks."

I responded with the following:

As I entered the building the sweet aroma of freshly brewed coffee and high spirited employees overtook my bodily functions and I knew, I just knew, I had found what my heart had been longing for all day. As I walked in, a crew of highly good looking and friendly spirited workers smiled at me with teeth that shone like the stars in the sky (and I'm talking about the stars that explode and are brighter than any other stars out there) and eyes that said things like, "Yes, you are beautiful", "you're always welcome here, if nowhere else" and "you are strong, independent and you don't need a man to complete yourself."

I made my way to the laboratory and upon entering and I felt a sense of peace. This is not normally the case in public restrooms. I am quite particular. It was the kind of restroom I would seek to escape to in the event of a nuclear attack. It had everything I could ever ask for in a restroom. It had a commode that just screamed, "come rest you tired cheeks on me!" It had a soap dispenser that beckoned my hands to it. The water was just the perfect temperature and all was right, if just for a second, in all of the world.

I made my way out of the restroom toward the counter.

Slightly bashful, as I am, I looked down and noticed the floor (which was hardly even a walking ground, but rather somewhere I would willingly eat food off of). It was as if I was walking into the kings palace! The sun reflected off of the spanking clean floor in such a way that I could practically count the pores on my nose! I curiously made my way to the counter, wondering if perhaps I had been teleported into a cafe in heaven... after all, the people serving drinks were more like angels than earthly beings. I pondered what drink I should consume and it seemed like they already knew what I wanted. Yes, a passion tea lemonade... that would be perfect. As I drank the sweet elixir the green mermaid had provided for me I felt, yet again, like I had been teleported to some higher level of heaven where the Lord allows for tropical islands to explode in mouths of the chosen providing a perfect combination exotic and relaxing flavors. Heaven was in fact, for a moment, having a luau on my tongue.

If there were anything more that I could possibly ask of this particular starbucks, it would be that they would stay open past 9pm. After all, heaven doesn't close it's pearly gates at 9. Packing up my things and leaving place of such comfort and hominess practically killed me, but next time I will go back and enjoy the sensation all over again... as if for the first time.

So you asked what I liked most about THIS visit to Starbucks... Well friend, I would submit to you that I liked the experience best and I look forward to my next one. Perhaps I will be teleported to a land of enchantment where tea parties with Mark Twain and Katherine Hepburn are commonplace and games of crochet with Shakespeare and Jackie-O are more enamoring than the game of chess that Aristotle and George Lopez are playing in the corner garden.

Yes, I look forward to that. I do enjoy myself some Mark Twain and George Lopez.

Randal in the light.

2010-04-14T09:43:00.001-06:00

Meet Randal

2010-04-13T22:41:00.000-06:00

Randal is my dinosaur! I made him tonight! It's about time I made a snow dinosaur!

Adobe Ideas

2010-04-10T16:56:00.003-06:00

As many of you may know, the iPad came out this past week. Well, I haven't really had the chance to mess around with one, but the other day I got to look at Kevin's. I pulled up Adobe Ideas and just did some stuff with it. This was the result.

Paper Route

2010-04-07T16:43:00.003-06:00

This album is one of (if not the) best album I have invested in all year long. Now, granted it's only April, and granted I almost never buy cd's, I still feel the necessity to write about the quality of this cd.

I bought this cd on Monday and I've been listening to it non-stop. I think what I love most about the album is that it gets better and better every time I listen to it. It's not like, "Oh, it was just okay, but now I'm getting used to it." and it's not like an acquired taste that grows on you. No, no, no; this album is like one of those things that is amazing the first time around and only gets better and better with time... Similar to watching LOST, or any great film for that matter. It's like this: the first time around you become so enthralled with it's personality, it's emotions, it's ups, and it's downs, but as time goes on you grow more closely to it, you grow more closely to the lyrics and the meaning behind the music. You just kind of let the music become it's own, while at the same time allowing it to become a part of you. You really get to see it for what it is and not just that initial first impression.

It started out with the first couple songs we put on the radio. Those songs were great. Then I heard "Tiger Teeth" and that was even better. Then I saw the music video for "Gutter" and my heart was captured. I bought the cd, and even then I just wanted to stick to the songs I knew, but as I've been listening to the album all the way through, I've found the songs I've listened to the least are becoming my favorites. Whether it's the lyrics from "Enemy Among Us" that flat out state the reality of,

" There's an enemy among us.

He stole as best he could.

Our hearts like an enemy should.

In the silence, you're the first one that I turn to.

You're the first voice that I turn to.

In the absence of my own."

Or even in "Have You Fallen Asleep" I love the lyrics that are sung so hauntingly, "Open my eyes" over ... and over ... and over ... and over again.

The cd as a whole is one that I would highly recommend. I could say, "Oh, just buy this song." or, "Oh, just buy that song." It's way too good for that.

In summary, it will most likely make it onto a list of the best cd's I've purchased this year.

Dear Paper Route,

Thanks for being so incredibly awesome. I couldn't ask for more, except maybe another cd, asap.

Thanks a lot,

Elisha Guido

My New Friend Derrek

2010-04-04T14:23:00.003-06:00

Today is Easter. Today is really a great day all around. Today I made a new friend. Alaina was grabbing stuff before she left and I was in the kitchen making the "Guido Family Queso". A large black blur passed by the window. When I looked out I noticed an unnaturally large black dog making his way into our garage. Alaina says that he's come by before trying to win himself some hamburgers, but with no such luck. He waited outside the door for Alaina to get in the car. After she was in the car, he made his way into our garage. I went to see what he was doing. His big brown eyes looked up at me as he nudged his head into the door trying to make his way into the house. My heart was sad for him. My heart longed for his companionship.

He left the garage and I was sad. I went out side looking for him, but he had left me with nothing but my languish for his friendship. A few moments later, as I was still preparing our queso, he made his way by my window. My heart jumped and I exclaimed with giddy joy, "Derrek! You came back!" So I guess his name is Derrek. I tried to snap a picture of him, but alas, his swift movement led him away quicker than I could say "click". I tried everything, I knocked on the window, I called his name, I did everything, but he was gone.

After prepping the queso for cooking I went out one more time looking for Derrek. There he was, sitting on our neighbors porch, oh so prominently. How I enthralled my heart was when I saw him not far from me. I called him over and he sat right at my feet. I snapped a shot and left him to write this blog.

I hope he knows I love him, even if it was just so I could write a nice blog.

Anyway, I hope he sticks around. He is really nice and I really like his company.

It's Easter

2010-04-03T22:47:00.006-06:00

Eggs by Zachary

more eggs by zachary

Swan Station

Our LOST themed eggs. Swan by me. LOST by Tiffany. Smokey by Rachel

My creations

And that means it's around that time when we dye eggs. I had a lot of fun with the Kimports this year. Well, I always have fun with the Kimports, but usually my eggs end up worse than I could have ever imagined. For example, there was the year that I didn't let Tiff write my name on the egg. That turned out really bad. Then there was the year that I tried to make an argyle egg. That didn't turn out at all. THIS YEAR I was a success! My Swan Station turned out better than imagined and my cow egg turned out really nice as well.

I then went home and spent time with the family dying eggs. Zachary really enjoy it and I did too!

So much fun.

On Singlehood

2010-03-29T17:37:00.001-06:00

Preface: Some people don't like long blogs. I'm not one of those people.

I feel like it’s pretty common for the single Christian to spend much of their time thinking about their singleness. I guess that unless the single Christian feels called to chastity, as Paul did, then it’s hard to not constantly being looking out for “the one”. I know that seems to be the case for me at least.

It’s pretty easy to feel like the odd one out, or the incomplete one in a group of married couples. I mean, we really are the odd ones out. This whole thought has been a hard one for me to think about. I think when we are involved in ministry, and especially one where the bulk of your friends are married, it is extremely easy to feel like you aren’t as good as you could be.

I know a lot of times, for me at least, it seems like there must be something wrong, whether it be physically or spiritually, because we haven’t been given what seems to be one of the greatest gifts and blessings of marriage. I think a lot of times, as single Christians we focus on how alone we are and how well, not alone, everyone else seems to be. I feel like a lot of the time we just think about how much better life would be if we had that other person that would complete us, how we think that we would be so much happier if we found that missing half. After all, God did say, “It is not good for man to be alone (Gen. 2:18).” I guess that it seems like it is good for man to have his helper, to have his mate. But then I think about how selfish a lot of our intentions are when it comes to being single and desiring to be married. I think about how we want to be married so we can have our needs met. I think about how we want to be married so we don’t have to be lonely, so we don’t have to be the odd one out, so we don’t have to feel incomplete … and none of that is really the point of marriage. In fact, it’s the complete opposite. Now, granted, I don’t really have any experience to base my thoughts on, but I feel I can make such claims because I have been surrounded by amazing couples. The past few years I have been able to witness what godly marriages look like, and they don’t look selfish. I’ve learned a lot about what marriage is to look like, because I can look at the marriages around me and see how they are learning what marriage looks like. Marriage is not about having your needs met, it’s about serving them to have their needs met. That’s the whole basis of the latter half of Ephesians 5, right? It’s about wives who submit to their husbands as to the Lord and how husbands who love their wife as Christ loves the church. It’s all about service. You are one. If you hurt your spouse, you hurt yourself. If you love your spouse, you love yourself. It’s about serving, not about being served. I think that we forget about that way too often.

I think that a while back I heard someone quoting a pastor. I don’t recall the pastors name or even the quote completely, so I’ll paraphrase what I do remember. He said something along the lines of “I serve the Lord better because I have my wife.” That really struck me. As I said, I feel a lot of us single people want to get married so we have our needs met, so we don’t feel so alone, but that’s not what marriage is. Sure, marriage is about serving the other, but why? Is the service done to ultimately make us happy or does it go deeper than that? Ultimately marriage should enable better service to the Lord. To work as a team in better way than if you were alone. You have to ask yourself, can I serve the Lord better in my ministry if I am married, or can I be a better servant in my singleness?

That’s where I found myself today. I feel like whenever I feel alone, insecure, or “the odd one out” I have a tendency to draw upon scriptures that have promise and hope in them. I often head to Psalm 84:11

“No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly”

or even more recently Matthew 7:7-8 & 7:11

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and the one who knocks it will be opened… If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give gooD things to those who ask him?”

That is where I picked up today. As I was reading that passage in Matthew 7 I was thinking about it in a pretty literal sense. Normally I don’t but there was a door right next to me. I found myself holding my hand up to the door ready to knock, ready to ask and ready to seek for that “other half of me.” As I held my hand out to the door I found myself questioning all of my intentions (which this blog happens to be a result of). I found myself thinking “if I am ready to knock, then I better know what I’m knocking for.” I started questioning my motives. I found myself pretty convicted in why I would be asking for a relationship at this point in my life. I guess just wanted to ask for someone in my life so I wouldn’t feel like the odd one out, incomplete or inadequate. I mean, I’m content with where I am. I am learning so much by the people around me, and I am serving the Lord well because I don’t have the worries or responsibilities that come with a marriage, but I still am by myself… or at least that’s what I’m constantly thinking to myself. I’ve asked. I’ve even asked with good intentions. I’ve kept my eyes open and granted I haven’t literally knocked on doors, but I have been waiting. So as I sat at my desk with my hand up to the door, ready to knock and wait for the door opened, I found in my heart that I couldn’t knock. Not with the motives that seem to have solidified within my mind. I couldn’t ask for something when I knew that the intentions were not with a heart of service, but rather requested upon a heart of self-service. It’s a hard thing to swallow. I lowered my hand convicted and went back to reading.

Is there a happy ending to this story? Absolutely. Sure, the love of my life didn’t open the door to sweep me off my feet, but who says that has to be the happy ending? Today may not even be the end. Granted, today could be my last day, but today I remembered something that is really easy to forget. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I’m broken or less capable of ministry. It doesn’t mean that I’m inadequate or less important than anyone else. Being single isn’t a sentence to be marooned on an island all alone. It’s okay to be single. It may even be better to be alone. I mean, look at the life a Paul. He was all for being single. He understood how much the single person can serve others in the body. Marriage isn’t a measure of spiritual growth. I forget that. Being single isn’t a sentence to dying alone. I forget that too. Being single doesn’t mean that we are less important on unequal. I also forget that. Paul got that and a lot of times the single people in the church aren’t looked at in that light. I feel like a lot of the time we are looked at like something has to be wrong with us if we aren’t married. There is always so much pressure from the people in the church to be married and a lot of the time there’s not much we can do but wait and serve.

So I guess for now I just wait. I’ll be okay with waiting. I’ll knock when I’m ready. I’ll ask when I’m ready. And with God willing and the right timing, it will be my turn to serve in a different way.

It’s not the end of the world to be single. It’s not a matter of being less important or less loved by people or even God.

I can remember a time in my life when a bunch of my friends where getting engaged, getting married or were already married. I remember talking to one of my friends and saying that I felt like I wasn’t important enough to God and that he didn’t want to give me what he was giving everyone else. I remember telling her that God must not think I’m good enough. She responded in a way that I will never forget. She said, “Elisha, what makes you think that you could ever be good enough?” As hard as that pill was to swallow, I really needed her to rain on my pity parade in that way. What would ever make me think I was good enough? I’m just a sinner. I could never be good enough to win God’s favor. I could never be good enough on my own to have the right to tell God he should be giving me what I want. It’s not like I could work to win blessings from God. They are blessings because we don’t deserve them. They are blessings because we couldn’t earn them. So, I often have to draw back to that and remember that it’s not about me. It’s not about working to earn God’s favor. It’s about Him and His glory. It’s about working to make Him known. He is faithful, so I just have to trust that his plan is better for me than my own. Sometimes it’s hard to swallow that pill, but ultimately, it’s the pill we need to swallow to realize we can’t do it ourselves.

That’s all I have for now. In closing, you may be single, but you are not alone. You may feel broken, but you are whole in Christ. You may feel unequal, but in Christ we are just as important and most of all we are just as loved.

-Elisha

On Relationships, Crackers, and Keva Juice

2010-03-20T15:25:00.004-06:00

Lately I've had a hard time eating crackers. It's not so much a problem physically, I mean, it's really just a matter of chewing and swallowing, but rather my problem stems much deeper. The other day I had a conversation with a friend about crackers and what type of relationship we would be in if the crackers were people. Every time I eat crackers I can't help but feel bad because of the potential relationship we could be in. I feel like I'm cheating on the other crackers out there. So I'll get right to it.

Saltine Crackers:
I love saltines. They are the perfect little snacking cracker. They are wonderful really. They are simple and go well with a lot of things. I can always enjoy saltines... always. You see, here is the thing about saltine crackers. They give me my space when I need it. They understand that I shouldn't be dependent on them. They understand that it is unhealthy, physically and emotionally, to be dependent on them. It's really easy for me to have my space with saltines. They get that. I appreciate that. They are perfect in that way.

Saltine Cracker,
You are the perfect cracker on paper, but not in my heart. It's not you. It's me.

Gram Crackers:
My heart loves gram crackers. They are sweet. They are always so much fun. They are versatile. They are wonderful no matter what time of the day it is. They can be great indoors or over a campfire. My heart loves gram crackers. Here is the problem with gram crackers. They don't have my best interest in mind. They don't give me space when I need it. They let me become dependent on them. They let me enjoy their presence as much as I can and before I know it, they are gone. They are all just gone, and it's all my fault. I did this. I was so dependent to them that I literally made them disappear. They were never really a good match for me. They were never really right for me, and it makes me sad that I could never be in a stable relationship with them. I just love them too much and they just don't want to let me down. They are perfect in that way. I guess their greatest asset is their greatest flaw.

Gram Cracker,
If it's a matter of heart over head, I'd pick you. You are the love of my life, but how can I expect you to make me happy if I'm always dependent on you being around. And what happens when I eat you and you're gone forever? I can't be in a one way relationship.

And then there are

Oyster Crackers:
If I were ever to be in a relationship with oyster crackers it would absolutely just be casual. I have no feelings toward them either way. They're not great, they're not bad... they are just oyster crackers. The thing about oyster crackers is that they are just convenient. They don't really have anything going for them. All they have is that they go well with clam chowder, which is something I rarely eat. They are pretty basic. They are pretty boring. They really wouldn't even make a great friend. Whenever I am with the oyster cracker I am always thinking about how there are other fish in the sea (or crackers on the shelf). I am always thinking about another cracker that would go better with me.

Oyster Crackers,
It's really not you. It's me. Well, no, it really is you. Sorry.

So today I wanted to see where the nearest Keva Juice is. I love Keva Juice. I remember going there in high school and enjoying it so much. When I got the Keva Juice website I realized something. I've been looking in the wrong place for a relationship. Crackers were not meant to be in relationships. They were meant to be accessories to main dish (I'm mixing illustrations here.. accessories? dishes?). They aren't the big picture. They are the car, or the house or the job I work, but they aren't the husband, they aren't who I'm meant to be with. Juice... Keva Juice to be exact, is the relationship. I mean just look at the website. Keva Juice get's me.

Unfortunately, there were no Keva Juice's near me. That doesn't seem to help me out at all.

Yes! Exactly! I checked a few boxes for what I was looking for in a relationship (with a juice smoothie). I feel really lucky to have ended up with The Passion Paradise. It's funny, because I would have never expected to end up with mango passion & guava juice, pineapple sherbet, peaches and strawberries. I never knew I even liked mango and guava. I guess it's one of those things where opposites attract. I can't wait to go to El Paso and finally unite with my long lost love. Unfortunately we will both be longing to see each until late May.

Dearest Passion Paradise,

I know that long distance relationships really aren't ideal, but I promise my heart belongs to you. With you, it's all about being who you are and being independent, but at the same time being there for me... waiting for me. I appreciate that.

Until May,

Elisha.

Dental hygiene is like God

2010-03-03T11:10:00.004-07:00

As I waited at the dentists office this morning, I wrote this blog.

Now, before you get all caught up in what I'm implying, just take a minute to consider my case.

You see, I love going to the dentist. I don't think it's always been that way, but as far back as high school goes, I can remember loving to go to the dentist. My teachers thought I was weird, my friends thought I was out of my mind. I boasted in getting to go to the dentist. Sure, part of my love was conditional in that I would always set my appointments during my least favorite classes (Spanish, English, and History... depending on the teacher). But I feel like missing class was only the added bonus.

There is something so sweet about having clean teeth, and great dental hygiene for that matter. You see plaque is disgusting and if you aren't careful or if you are neglagent or even apathetic to taking care of the issue, you're really going to end up in a lot of pain. Your teeth will rot and it will be a major bummer to get fixed. It will take a major work to get back to where you started and I can guarantee that it won't be comfortable.

Sin is like plaque and tartar. The more it builds up the harder it is to get rid of. It's disgusting when you think about it. Bacteria that just likes to hang out. Not only does it just like to hang out, but it likes to make you look bad. It likes to make you smell. It likes to slowly build up and it's so easy to let it build up without even realizing that it has an evil plan in mind. The serious part is that if you don't take the proper preventative measures, you will surely end up in a mess that you really dont want to be a part of your life. Plaque does not have your best interest in mind.

Lucky for us we have hope! We have been given the means to keep our teeth clean. Every day, multiple times a day, it is so important to keep going back to dental hygiene. It's so important to remember that we have guidelines for keeping a healthy smile. Brush and floss. Make sure to go back to the dentist every once in a while.

I feel like God is a lot like dental hygiene. When we keep going back to him he is good to take care of us. We can avoid a lot of pain and heartache in life if we remember to continually be going back to him when we need to be cleaned. You see, only he can clean us like new. But we have constantly looking to him to keep us clean. We can't expect to just go on living our lives without him thinking we will be okay. We can't think that being good is going to save us from our troubles. Just because you don't eat sugar doesn't mean you don't have to brush your teeth.

Unfortunately, unlike my salvation, a trip to the dentist is not free.

The Best Part of Super 1 Foods

2010-03-02T15:42:00.001-07:00

There are a lot of weird thing that happen at Super 1. Well, okay, not that many weird things happen, but this is the story of a weird thing that happened at Super 1 today.

As I was walking to pick up lunch I encountered one of the more idiosyncratic sights of my life. From far away it was just a man sitting in the bed of his truck. I moved in closer. It became a man sitting in a couch, in the back of his truck. Moving yet closer, it became a man, on a couch, in a truck, smoking a ciggy, and drinking a cold one. (I'm not exactly sure what "cold one" he was drinking, but it was in a can.) So, as you can imagine, I am already trying to retain my laughter but I continue to walk closer to this strange, strange man. To my surprise the comedy of this whole scenario has not reached it crest. As I got closer I realized, not only was he sitting on a couch, in the bed of his truck, smoking a cigarette and drinking a refreshing drink, but he was also listening to Gwen Stephani's "Holla Back Girl".

At this point I am too close to get a picture without making myself obvious. I went inside and bought my lunch and decided to try again for the picture while walking out. It appears that even though I am incredibly stealthy and pretty much have the skills of a ninja, the fellow lounging about in his truck still managed to catch me snapping a shot. This is recorded in the following photo.

The story of the parking ticket

2010-03-02T15:16:00.002-07:00

There is a two hour parking limit for most of downtown Kalispell. Yes, it is a major bummer, and yes, I have paid well over... fifty dollars in tickets? Yeah, fifty sounds about right. Basically, you can either park in front of the church and risk getting a parking ticket for 10 dollars or you can park two blocks down the street and walk to the church. It makes more sense to walk, but sometimes it is cold outside. The worst part about getting these tickets is that they are pretty much the most ridiculous things ever. Sure, the parking guy goes by a little bit after two hours of being tagged, so there is plenty of time to realize you need to move your car, but still... two hours!? Can't we at least have three hours?

For the most part, Kevin and I are pretty good about always parking down the street and walking, so parking tickets are less common for us than they are for others that risk their financial stability on the convenience of a car being parked close by. I always tell Kevin, "When we park down the street, I can't help but hope that those who park in front of the church get a ticket." I know it's wrong, but sometimes I am heartless like that... I guess. I really don't hope they get tickets. I just wouldn't mind if they were disciplined for violating the law.

That's all for now.

Breacher of all that is lawful within the parking commission:

Elisha L. Guido

Addison

2010-03-02T12:13:00.002-07:00

I found this picture of Addison the other day. I was going through a bunch of old files on my computer and I guess I took this picture with my phone. We were at a womens retreat and Addison was rolling over a lot. I found her almost under a table wrapped up in this brown fabric. She is so wonderfully cute is so many ways.

Free Mason Day

2010-02-18T16:30:00.003-07:00

Okay, so it wasn't a free mason day, but it was definitely a mason jar day. I had only one thing to do today (in addition to all of the normal things I do on a daily basis). Today I needed to clean somewhere around 150 mason jars. Why were they dirty? Did they have spaghetti sauce in them? Was it crusty old baby food? Perhaps it was paint or some other sort of medium? No, this is worse than any of those. They were filled with candle wax! Okay, so maybe that's not so bad. I wouldn't even want to imagine what it would be like to clean out 150 jars of moldy mac and cheese. That's gross.

I was using a knife to chip out the candle wax and to my misfortune the knife went through the glass and cut my hand. At lease I made it out alive. The mason jar will unfortunately no longer serve a purpose but to sit in a trash bag.

The pictures are courtesy of Eric who had to deal with a bunch of glass hindering him from leaving his office.

Tax Returns Have Never Been So Fun

2010-02-10T11:20:00.003-07:00

Turbo Tax sent me an email when my tax report was accepted by the government. I liked the fireworks in the background. They made me feel accomplished.

This shirt looks oddly familiar

2010-02-10T09:32:00.003-07:00

Why does this shirt look so familiar? Any thoughts? I'm thinking of relatives and school teachers. Neither is official, but seriously, flash from the past.

My mouth hurts

2010-01-28T13:32:00.002-07:00

This is kind of what's going on in my mouth right now.

Yesterday I had an oral surgery. FYI, they are no fun. Well, the Valium was okay and made the experience a whole lot more enjoyable, but the aftermath is no fun at all.

So let me explain the story.

When I was in 6th grade my dentist/orthodontist pulled four of my baby teeth to make room for the adult teeth. Three of my teeth grew in. One did not. Three years passed and I pretty much sat around doing nothing.

I was a freshman in high school when she approached my mom and said, "I have no idea what is wrong. You're going to need to see someone else." All I had to say was, "Hey, thanks for wasting the last two years of my life and charging my mom an arm and a leg for it."

We went to a consultation with a new orthodontist, a better orthodontist. One with TV's attached to the ceiling. At the consultation he noticed, through an x-ray, that my tooth was headed in the wrong direction, thus why it never came down. Solution? Easy. I went in for an oral surgery where they cut open my gum and glued a bracket connected to a chain to my impacted incisor. The chain was attached to my braces. The procedure would drag the impacted tooth down to where in belonged. In the massive gap in my mouth.

Problem: Nay! Question: What happens when you pull a tooth and don't do anything for two years to pull the correct tooth into place?

Answer: The tooth that never grew in spent three years in the wrong place and thus grew into my jawbone.

Consequence? Well, because my tooth had grown into my jawbone, instead of being pulled down by the braces, all my teeth attached to my braces were pulled up... a lot. So my teeth were incredibly uneven. A little bit of braces and rubberbanding my teeth together helped the situation, but to this day I don't chew with the left side of my mouth because my molars don't touch back there.

Then what? Well, we had to cut the chain attached to my braces and impacted tooth.

Fast forward to my senior year of high school. I get my braces off but I am still missing a tooth. That's a bummer, but I had a retainer with a tooth in it, so nobody really knew.

I got my wisdom teeth pulled. That was a nice little oral surgery. When they pulled my wisdom teeth we needed them to pull the other tooth hidden in my gums with some bling bling still attached to it.

Fast forward to yesterday. After a long time of saving I had my (hopefully final) oral surgery. The process involved them cutting my gum in two places so they could flap it up to carve a spot for a titanium rod. I've never had a tooth there before, so I didn't really have any bone there. A little bit of a bone graft and some more slicing and dicing and I was out. Unfortunately for me, I am in a lot of pain, but on the bright side, I'm only four to five months away from a tooth. I just have to suffer through a lot of stitched and an open wound in my mouth for a little while.

Hey Dr. you know who you are,

Thanks for making my oral experience worse than anything I've ever experienced and the most expensive. I appreciate it, but I don't plan on suing you, even though I would probably win.

With so much love, and pain,

Elisha Guido.

These are my new boots

2010-01-25T18:55:00.001-07:00

Apple sopapillas

2010-01-22T18:46:00.001-07:00

Thanks Sara trammel for being so awesome.

Office Space

2010-01-14T17:28:00.002-07:00

There are some things that you may be out of the loop on. I have an office. I feel it has mostly been a desk and some papers and a big mess, but lately it's really been coming together. I have Eric Melzer to thank for much of that.

First things first. The post-it note above my computer and on my wall says "POSTURE". It is there to remind me to have good posture throughout the day. It only kind of helps... like when people say, "posture?" to which I quickly adjust my slouching position.

Second: I drink tea... and 7Up.

Three: Eric is lending me that cool lamp and wicked awesome speakers. Those are all nice things.

Fourth: You may notice that I have a piece of paper on my computer. This paper looks similar to a keyboard. I have a problem. As you may notice, I have both a keyboard and a mouse sitting on my desk. Problem: I ALWAYS forget to use them and habitually use the keyboard and touch pad on my laptop. Solution: Put a piece of paper over the laptop keyboard.

Thanks for being a part of looking at my desk. If you want to contribute, feel free to buy me gifts. Thanks.

Professionally,

Elisha Guido

Sometimes you just have to make do

2010-01-13T12:44:00.001-07:00

There were no open outlets in the kitchen so I improvised. This is top
class service. Cooking right at my desk.

Strange Occurances

2010-01-11T10:47:00.001-07:00

I spy with my little eye... a chameleon.

Room

2009-12-27T01:34:00.002-07:00

Thanks to some really awesome people in my life, my room is really
starting to come together and I really love that. Note the awesome
duvet cover, courtesy of Kevin and Alaina; the sweet headboard,
courtesy of Sara; the neat stars, courtesy of my mom; the old school
papacaun, courtesy of jack; the red throw blanket, courtesy of jennie;
and the awesome headboard lights courtesy of myself. Now I just need
to hang my mirror, paint my furniture red and arrange the other half
of my room that you can't see.